January 19, 2016.
A rough day for me.
After months of depression, I was at the end of my rope. I felt a deep darkness all around me that never seemed to lift. I didn’t get excited about things. I was unmotivated and unhappy. I was so down for so long that I couldn’t imagine life getting any better, and I was severely suicidal.
So, after consulting with several people, I decided that it would be a good idea to go to the emergency room.
My dad picked me up at school, and we drove to the hospital. After three hours of waiting, testing and talking to several people about my suicidal ideation, I was given two options: go inpatient or do a partial hospitalization program (where I would do a program during the day but sleep at home at night). Scared beyond belief, I chose the latter.
When I did my intake evaluation for the partial program, we decided my best move was probably to start with Intensive Outpatient Program (IOP) and see if that worked first. IOP is group therapy two hours a night, four nights a week.
The first night of IOP, I came home and cried and didn’t want to go back. I felt like everyone’s problems were worse than mine and I had no right to talk about what was going on in my life.
It was terrible. But I went back.
After a couple days, I started to get more comfortable. I started sharing more about my life, and it actually started helping me. I’ve learned more effective ways to deal with some of the overwhelming feelings I had before. I’ve found my hope again. It’s been a painful time, but it’s been a healing time. Three months later, I discharged from IOP, finally feeling free again.
Even in those moments when we are surrounded by darkness and we feel hopeless, there is always a light at the end of the tunnel. There are always ways to feel better. There are always people waiting to catch you when you fall, willing to help you back up again.
There is always hope.
If you are at a place where you feel unsafe, don’t hesitate to go to the hospital and get the help you need. Even if you don’t go inpatient, it’s a great way to get you connected to the resources you need. Don’t ever feel like your problems aren’t “bad enough” to seek help. You know when you need help. Please get it when you do. You are brave, you are strong. Keep pushing on. Your life is so worth living, and you will see that again someday.
If you or someone you know needs help, please visit the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. You can also reach the Crisis Text Line by texting “START” to 741-741. Head here for a list of crisis centers around the world.
The Crisis Text Line is looking for volunteers! If you’re interesting in becoming a Crisis Counselor, you can learn more information here.