I never thought I’d be a special needs mom. In fact, the thought of that used to absolutely terrify me. I remember reading about all of the things that can go wrong when we were trying to get pregnant, and just begging God to give us a healthy child. Praying that I’d rather have no child than one with special needs. I was clueless, and honestly, I make myself a little bit sick. I was absolutely terrified of having a kid with a disability. To the point where I literally cried daily when I was pregnant with Knox, just worrying about him. Looking back, I am so glad God didn’t listen to me. I’m so glad Knox is here. Because really, I was the one with the problem, not him.
I had no idea what it would be like, and how could I? I was close-minded and had no personal experience with anyone with special needs, aside from seeing a person with a disability every once in a while out in public. I just didn’t know. In fact, I had no idea. That’s not to say that I don’t wish Knox could instantaneously be rid of autism forever — because, yes, that would be fantastic for him to not have to struggle. But the fact that he has autism doesn’t make him any less of an amazing kid. It doesn’t make me want him any less. If given the choice, I’d choose him exactly as he is, every single time. Because knowing him is so much better that not having a clue.
Autism is a weird thing. It makes me furious one second, makes me laugh the next, and right when I think I have it figured out, it says, “Ha! No you don’t!” This has been a super crappy parenting week at our house. Knox is getting in trouble at school for the first time ever, and he’s being defiant at home, as well. There’s been lots of running off, swatting, kicking and even spitting. I don’t know where this is coming from because Knox normally has the best disposition ever. He is highly stubborn, and my only thought is that he’s just reaching an age where the frustration over his communication skills has pushed him a little over the edge.
Also, I think he just plain misses me. I work full-time, and by the time I get home, I have two hours with him before he goes to bed. Most moms know that the hours between 5 and bedtime can be the witching hours where your kids lose their minds and cause you to lose yours right along with them. I feel like so much of my evening time with Knox consists of disciplining him, and it makes me feel awful. My guilt eats me alive sometimes. I tell myself I need to be this great parent, do lots of fun outings and activities and spend tons of quality time with my children. But then reality hits, and I feel like all I have to offer them are a couple of worn-out hours of my life, where I’m no fun to be around at all. There have been a lot of tears lately (mine) and yelling (me) and hitting (Knox) and frustration (everyone).
And the thing is, there’s no magic answer. There’s no perfect solution. Parenting is always hard. I don’t care if you stay at home, work full-time, have 10 kids or one. Being a parent is the hardest job on the planet. Adding any sort of special circumstance only compounds the stress. I’m learning in all of this, through this hard season, that all I can do is pray and ask for God’s help in all of this. To seek His face and just bury myself in His word. To pray that I don’t screw this up too much. To pray that God removes the guilt from my spirit. To pray that God revives me and gives me the energy I need to keep up with this kid. And to pray a prayer of thanksgiving that He knew all along just the boy He was going to give me.
Because even when it’s hard, Knox is worth it all.
This post originally appeared on My Coffee Is Cold.
Read more from Jessica Wyndham on The Mighty:
He Doesn’t Care… Why Should I?
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