When Parenting a Child With Bipolar Disorder Seems Overwhelming

I try so very hard to not let life get me down. We’ve been dealt a hard hand, but we persevere. It’s life, and that’s what you do. But I’d be lying if I didn’t admit there are days that kick me in the gut, steal my breath and stop my heart.

I give you the good, the bad and the ugly. I don’t sugarcoat. I won’t. I’ll respect my son and his privacy as much as I can while still trying to share our struggle — his struggle — so others know they aren’t alone. And so I don’t lose my mind by bottling it up inside.

About two months ago, my son’s psychiatrist upped his medications. It had adverse effects, and after two weeks, his doctor dropped him back down to the lower dose. But eventually, the low dose began affecting him like the high dose had — he’d cry and grow aggressive. Our doctor said this could happen with a dual diagnosis of autism and bipolar (and ADHD — and then some.) He said sometimes treating one will make the other worse.

He was right. So I took Liam off the medication, with the doctor’s permission. I won’t let my son live that way.

As I sit here tonight, and I see him sitting on the couch, I’m brokenhearted. He’s not playing. He’s not talking. He doesn’t want anyone to bother him. He’s refusing to play with his older brother. He’s merely a shell of the boy that I once knew.

It’s not fair. It’s not right. He is 8 years old. Why in the world does he have to deal with this? Why does his life have to be so hard? I always try to see the positive in life, but today I see none of that. Today I see a little boy who has more on his plate than those three times his age.

Yes, I’m thankful for my son, for our lives and for waking up to his beautiful face every morning. But I’m pissed that this life has to be so hard for him. For me. For his father. Being a parent is tough. Being a parent that has no control over your child’s life is even tougher. I can’t make the Bipolar go away. I can’t take away the pain. I can’t make the cycles stop. Autism has nothing on Bipolar. Bipolar is evil, and it robs my son of the happy life he deserves.

Today I’m wallowing.

Tomorrow I will get up and I will kick Bipolar’s arse.

For my son.

Because nothing else matters, and he deserves to be happy.


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How We Told Our Child With Special Needs the Real Deal About Santa

My husband and I come from different backgrounds. I was a city girl. He was a country boy. I was raised by my single mom who depended on Welfare to help her meet our needs. He was raised without want by two loving parents.

Our families even approached the whole Santa thing differently. One of the things my dad told me before he walked out of our lives when I was around 6, was that there was no such thing as Santa and to stop believing in him. My husband’s mom still hangs stockings and fills them for every family member, young or old, claiming they’re from Santa. I was lucky to get socks and underwear for Christmas. My husband always got whatever was on his wish list — a tradition still carried on to this day.

When our daughter was born, my husband and I had a frank discussion about what role Santa would play in her life. Since I felt like I missed out on the magic, I was all in. And my husband wanted our daughter to experience the wonder and awe of Santa like he had. We agreed we would encourage her to believe in Santa.

We were experts at crafting this marvelous secret. My husband would make our daughter’s favorite Snickerdoodle cookies for Santa. I would buy the gifts and stocking stuffers. We found the perfect Santa with a real beard to visit. There were many Christmas Eves my husband stayed up until the wee hours putting together the latest and greatest must-have toy.

As she got older, we got more creative. When she awoke one Christmas morning, there was soot outside the fireplace where Santa had walked. Last year, my daughter even received a lovely letter on North Pole stationery from Santa telling her he couldn’t bring her a real live puppy but instead found her a large overstuffed one.

We were in deep.

This year we decided to tell her the real deal. Our fear was that another child would tell her. That, in our opinion, was worse than if we told her ourselves.

So on a Sunday afternoon recently we sat her down and presented her with this letter. Thanks, Pinterest, for the idea.


We know you’ve asked us before if Santa is real. We know you want to know the answer.  After seeing how much you’re growing up, we know it’s time to tell you.

The answer is yes, Santa does exist — just not in the way you’ve always believed. I’m not Santa, neither is your dad. There’s no one single Santa, either. Santa is bigger than any one person and his work has gone on longer than any of us have lived. Santa is lots and lots of people who keep the spirit alive. He doesn’t live in the North Pole but lives in our hearts. Santa is the magic, love and spirit of giving to others.

Dad and I are the ones who read your letters, picked your presents with love and placed them under the tree. Dad and I did this just as our parents did for us. One day you’ll do the same for your children.

We know God can be hard to understand sometimes, but we hope you’ll always remember that we believe He sent us His son, Jesus, to die for us. That baby in a manger grew up to be a man who died on the cross for our sins. We believe that’s the greatest gift of all. Just as God sent the most perfect gift He could think of, Dad and I tried to pick the perfect gifts for you each year.

Here’s something really awesome: Dad and I spent about a month getting ready for Christmas but God is spending lots more time getting heaven ready for us.

We do ask that you help us keep Santa alive for any other kids who still believe. A child has to be ready to believe this kind of secret. A child’s parents should be the ones to tell them, just like we told you. Just as you found joy in believing in Santa, we can assure you that you will have that same feeling in watching others believe in that magic.

We love you very much, Princess. We hope you have enjoyed all of your Christmases and your presents.


Mom and Dad

We asked her if she wanted one of us to read it or if she wanted to read it. She said she’d read it. She made it about halfway through before her lip started quivering. By the end she was in tears. When she finished reading it, she went over to my husband and really started sobbing. I didn’t have rose-colored glasses on thinking she’d be totally fine with the concept of her mom and dad being Santa, but I didn’t expect her to be as upset as she was.

After she cried with her father for a few minutes, she came over to me and cried on my shoulder for a bit. She looked straight at both of us and called us liars. She was shocked, appalled and disappointed that we, of all people, had lied to her.

I tried explaining to her that we did it out of love for her, but she wouldn’t listen and instead ran off to her room to bawl her head off. I was worried this was the trigger that would be the end of over a year of stability for her. This would send her back to the behavior hospital. She was that upset. We hadn’t seen this type of reaction to anything in a long time.

After about 30 minutes, she emerged. She went to our family room and played quietly with her dolls. I sat in there with her for most of the day, just in case she needed me. My husband and I put our plans for the day on hold so we could be available to talk if she wanted us to.

Eventually she came around. I don’t think she’s at the point where she fully forgives us or even understands why we did what we did, but she has come to terms with the fact that Santa exists in our hearts. She grasps that parents play Santa for their children.

Since she was so upset and her heart was “shattered” (her words), we decided to have a family session with her counselor the next day at her regularly scheduled appointment. Seeing our family therapist helped all of us process this more.

unnamed (44) The true test as to whether or not she was moving on came yesterday when we went to see Santa. She passed with flying colors. She sat on Santa’s lap, told him what she wanted for Christmas but didn’t say a word to him about knowing he wasn’t real. As she and her BFF skipped off, I heard both of them whispering and giggling because they know a secret the little kids waiting in line did not.

My daughter and I are making plans to play Santa for another child who still believes. It may be one whose dad is incarcerated or one who doesn’t have much. Whatever the case, I know she’ll want to help another child believe in the magic and wonder of Santa, just as she did for ten glorious years.

What I’ve learned in all of this is that I must remember that because my child feels everything so deeply, I need to be prepared to offer her extra guidance and support. I cannot assume that because it wasn’t a big deal for me, that it won’t be for her. The other piece to this is to continue to utilize the services of professionals who can help my husband and I navigate these rough waters with our daughter.

This post originally appeared on Raising a Drama Queen.

A screenshot of singer, Demi Lovato, talking into a camera

Demi Lovato Has a Powerful Message to Spread About Mental Illness

Singer Demi Lovato has been an outspoken mental health advocate in the past. Now, she’s taking it a step further by joining mental health professionals and sharing her struggle with bipolar disorder across the country.

“Bipolar depression really got my life off track, but today I’m proud to say I am living proof that someone can live, love and be well with bipolar disorder when they get the education, support and treatment they need,” the artist says in the video (below) announcing her involvement in The Mental Health Listening and Engagement Tour.

The “Really Don’t Care” singer is partnering with the Jed Foundation, which aims to promote emotional health and prevent suicide among college and university students,” according to its website. The video, sponsored by Sunovion Pharmaceuticals, outlines her plans to share her story across the country.

“I want to shine a light on the people out there who, like me, are learning to live well with mental illness by getting the right diagnosis and finding the right treatment plan,” Lovato says. “I want to be the most informed and powerful advocate I can be and to help people to find the courage to seek help.”

Watch the PSA below:

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Why I'm Not Hiding My Mental Illness Anymore

Elaina J. Martin's eyes

You wouldn’t know it by looking at me. You wouldn’t hear it in my laugh or smell it on my skin. It wouldn’t announce itself like a suitor at the door a century ago. When I tell you about the time I styled the “Real World: Austin” cast or if you heard me on the radio, you wouldn’t have a clue. I chain words together to form sentences. I lasso sentences around the moon. You wouldn’t know it by looking at me, but I am sick.

I am mentally ill.

It has something to do with chemicals and my brain. Too little. Too much. It has to do with stress and life. It is no one’s fault, not yours.

Not mine.

I have Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder. And Anxiety Disorder. And once upon a time, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. But most importantly, I have Bipolar Disorder.

I didn’t catch it like a bad cold. It must have always been there, waiting. Breathing on my neck. Sitting in the dark. It waited until I was flying high to make me crash. And unlike a cold, it won’t go away. Ever.

I have Bipolar Disorder, and it has changed my life. It has taken my career and some of my friends. It has broken relationships. It has broken my heart. It has led me to the Intensive Care Unit, the psych ward, free clinics, Duke University and more doctors than I can name.

Up to a third of all people who have Bipolar Disorder die by their own hand. Suicide. Death. I have nearly died. A few times. When my mind is right it is not there, that dark shadow. But sometimes I lose my mind. I climb trees in sequin dresses. I go 110 mph. I climb on third-story roofs at two in the morning. There is more. So much more. But those are secrets for me and those that love me.

By telling you this, dear reader, I risk turning you away. But I am stable now. I take my medication. I go to therapy. I see a psychiatrist. I manage.

I am telling you because I need to be honest. I want to talk about the mentally ill. I want to be okay with myself. I don’t want to hide anymore. My mental illness is a part of me, as much a part as my curly hair and green eyes.

There is a stigma attached to the mentally ill. If I had heart disease or diabetes people would sympathize, make exceptions. But because my illness affects my mind, it is seen in a different light. I cannot be trusted. Words from my mouth are shaken with salt.

I am writing my experience in words and pages and chapters. I want to share it with you. Bring you inside the hospital walls, take you up on the roof. I want you to understand how it feels to not trust yourself, to check in every day and make sure that your mind is indeed still there. It’s scary. I am scared most of the time.

I have grown dependent – on my family, on my boyfriend, on my best friends. They hold me down, keep me from flying into the sky. They watch me through trained eyes. Am I well? Am I sane?

I want to make it okay. I want to write my way into your heart so that when you hear the phrase “mentally ill” you open your arms, you say, “I don’t understand, but I will listen to you,” you say, “I know ElainaJ, and she is sick but she is beautiful.”

I wouldn’t be who I am without my illness. It has shaped me; created a curve in the “J.”

And I am so blessed. I have people who care about me, who take care of me when I can’t, I have my words and sentences and essays. I have a way to speak when my mouth is closed. I have you, dear reader.

I don’t want to hide anymore. I don’t want to be embarrassed or ashamed. I don’t want to pretend that everything is okay when it isn’t. I don’t want to lie, white or otherwise. I don’t want to stretch the truth to fit me. I want to be me. Bipolar disordered me. Mentally ill me. Me.

I could say I would understand if you stopped reading or stopped calling, but I wouldn’t. I am still me, just a little more quirky than most. I am still me, just with an excuse for what you can’t understand.

I have made mistakes. Haven’t you? Fueled by mania I have lost my mind. A lot. But I always come back, sometimes quicker than others. I forget what I’ve said and what I’ve done, and I ask you to remind me. Psychotic breaks. Mental amnesia. Just another day as ElainaJ.

I’ve been holding off on posting this blog for a while now. I am afraid – of what you will say, of what you will do. But I need to be okay with who I am, whether you like me or not… And I am okay. A little bit crazy. A lot of bit kind.

I hope you’ll stay.

This post originally appeared on ElainaJ’s personal blog. You can also read her PsychCentral.com blog, “Being Beautifully Bipolar.”

Mental Illness Allowed Me to Find My Gift -- My Messy Beautiful

A close family friend who I’ve known since I was a baby invited me to his parent’s house for a Jewish holiday meal one night in 2009, as he did whenever those special occasions roll around. I’m not Jewish, but they treat me like family, so it’s only natural to be at these events, surrounded by friends and loved ones and good food.

After dinner, Dave and I were chatting, catching up on what we both had going on. He described his plans of starting a nonprofit with a good friend of his to give back to the community. I remember my exact first reaction:

“Why on Earth would you want to start a business that doesn’t make you a profit?” Luckily, I didn’t say it aloud.

What I forgot in that moment was what Dave had been through. Early on in his life, he had everything going for him — top athlete, funny guy, made decent grades in school. But in college he got caught up with the new found freedom and after making some bad choices, he started doing drugs to self-medicate the pain away. Hard drugs. One night he almost died and so his parents found a treatment facility in California, and he went away to get help. He found his recovery path and stayed at the treatment center to become a counselor himself. His addiction led him to a place where he found his gift. And now he had come home and was ready to give his gift away to the world using his nonprofit as the vehicle through which to share it.

It would take five more years for me to understand this concept.

Growing up, I painted murals on the walls of my room and wrote in my journal, read poetry and spun dreams of becoming an artist. But when the time came in college to pick a major, I reached for the safe choice: Business, with a concentration in marketing. That way, I could graduate with a degree that would ensure I’d be able to get a job, while at the same time I’d be able to tap into my artistic side. Really, I was thinking more about money and my future and much less about longterm happiness and making a difference in the world.

I wasn’t following my heart, and my lack of follow-through made me envious of my girlfriends who entered the fields of teaching, nursing and speech-language pathology because they were going to graduate and go out into the world and touch people’s lives each and every day with their talents, and they’d get paid to do what they loved. I wished I could follow my dream of becoming an artist by studying writing or art or design.

But could my creative, business-y work really touch someone’s life the way theirs would?

I was too afraid of the unknown.

Too afraid to fail.

Too afraid to be less than perfect.

Too afraid to expose my feelings through my work.

Too afraid I wouldn’t be able to support myself.

Too afraid of all these things that stood in my way.

They were my fears. And piled up together they appeared as a roadblock to the path to following my dreams.

Upon graduating, I start out in the corporate world with that versatile business degree, and I get a taste of success in the form of bonuses and commissions that keep rolling in as I continue to prove my worth to the company as the top-grossing recruiter within the agency. I like this compensation system, and so I work harder and harder. I’m helping people find jobs, and I’m helping companies find talent they desperately need, and it feels rewarding all around.

But over the years I become greedy. I work longer and longer hours to pull in the “big bucks.”

At the end of 2005, as I’m anticipating the best year-end bonus of my career, the life I had worked so hard to build up to that point came crashing down around me. I suffered what could only be described as a “nervous breakdown” at that moment. I spent a few nights in a psych ward, but upon my release the psychiatrist I saw attributed the episode to the lack of sleep I had experienced the week before when my husband was away on business travel.

Two weeks later that hypothesis would be proven wrong when my mind succumbed to another manic episode for which I had to be hospitalized on Christmas. Talk about the lowest low one can feel — being left by your family at a psych ward while your mind unravels faster and faster until you’re unrecognizable to even yourself. That was eight years ago, and Christmas, to this day, still brings up mixed emotions for me. More so gratitude now, but fear used to consume my thoughts. Fear that it could happen again, that my life was over now that I was diagnosed with a mental illness. That I’d never have children. That my husband might leave me. That my life was practically worthless now that my brain was sick.

I spent 2006 behind a veil of black. I mourned the life I had to leave behind. My success as a recruiter, my friends at work, my nice, fat paycheck with all those bonuses and commissions. The tears were in endless supply that year, though I tried never to let on to my friends how unhappy I was. I woke up most mornings with anxiety crawling up my spine and would crumble onto the couch at the end of the day, a mess of nerves and sadness and self-pity.

In my mind I couldn’t see past the day ahead of me. My future was so cloudy, it was as if my diagnosis had pulled an eye mask down over my forehead so that my vision was blocked. No more thinking a year, two years, five years down the road like I had been so used to doing. Those days it was about surviving to see the next sunrise. I battled suicidal thoughts and although ashamed to tell my husband and parents about the images in my head, I did. My psychiatrist adjusted my medication and over the course of several months, the thoughts gradually began to dissolve. I was no longer fighting for my life each day, but I was still battling the voice in my head which asked me continuously what my purpose was.


It’s been almost nine years since I was diagnosed with type one bipolar disorder. I’ve had two kids and had two more hospitalizations because I was protecting my babies from the psychiatric medication in my bloodstream which I know now I’ll have to take for the rest of my life. I made it through five years of mania and meds and therapy and psychosis and depression and wanting to just make it all stop. And came to the conclusion that the reality of life with mental illness is that it will never stop; you can only learn to manage it so it doesn’t manage you.

Having overcome my mental health disorder allowed me to find the courage to write about my experiences. It may have taken me time to understand the beauty and impact of true vulnerability, but I’m proud to say that I’m there now. Telling the world that I live with bipolar disorder and still love my life has been the most liberating and gratifying step I’ve taken in this career I’ve carved out for myself. Dave is now the first person I go to for advice. I feel lucky to have such a close friend as a mentor so I don’t feel like I’m starting completely from scratch.

I’ve become a mental health advocate, and I run a nonprofit called “This Is My Brave,” whose mission is to ignite and actively promote a positive, supportive, national conversation surrounding mental illness. Next month my associate producer and I will debut “This Is My Brave” – the show: a live, theater-based production made up of 14 individuals from the community who will share their stories of living with mental illness through personal essays, poetry and original music in an effort to silence stigma and inspire change.

I found beauty in the messiness of life with bipolar disorder. It’s in the people who lift me up when I’m down and in the people who have opened up to me about the struggles in their life with mental illness.

I’m grateful to have found meaning in my life and to be able to give hope away to those who might be in the midst of the same painful place I found myself in years ago. I know they can find a way out with the support of friends and family and quality psychiatric care. If I can do it, they can too.

This post originally appeared on Bipolar Mom Life.

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