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To Any Special Needs Mom Who's Having One of Those Days

Today is hard.

Today I want to run away, just leave. I want to start over somewhere far, far away. Today I feel like I can’t take one more diaper change, one more meltdown, one more “Mommy is mean!”

I’m tired of being the bad guy. It would be nice, for once, if my kids ran to me instead of my husband when things don’t go their way. Mommy is always the bad guy in my house. Today I don’t want to have a giant lump in my throat from wanting to cry out of frustration.

Last week I had to attend those awful Admission, Review and Dismissal (ARD) meetings. My daughter had her testing done. There were 22 pages of things I didn’t want to know. The anxiety leading up to these meetings is horrible. Do they think I’m a bad mother? Am I doing enough? Why is it that at school she’s so different?

It must be me. Why, when I used to have so many real live friends, do I have none? Why am I so socially awkward now? When I do have social interaction, I don’t have anything to talk about. I don’t fit in anymore.

I don’t go to the gym in my cute matching outfits and a perfect pony tail. I can’t go to lunch with friends. I don’t get to have my nails done or go shopping. My house is a constant disaster, because God forbid I move a toy and “mess up the party.” My tiny child runs my house. A tiny tyrant.

I’m the lady you see with screaming kids, yoga pants and snot smeared on my shirt.Oh, and for anyone who thinks yoga pants are sexy, let me tell you, they’re not.

I think there are other mothers out there like me. Drowning in a sea of frustration and confusion. Afraid to say what’s really going on because in this world of social media, we all have to be happy with our perfect families, clean homes and fun Pinterest boards for our kids for rainy days. Well, other moms, I’m here. Just like you, trying to get through one more day.

Maybe tomorrow will be better. One day I will hopefully look back and think “Wow, those were some hard years. But I made it through,” and I will smile.

[Thanks for letting me vent to y’all. The day I wrote this was a bad day. I would like to also say this: Along with the bad days, I have some very good ones, like watching the unexplainable joy and love I experienced at a Special Olympics track meet. Hundreds of kids, smiling. True, giant happy smiles and so much love I thought my heart would burst! Things like that are what gets me through.]

A small girl, wearing a medal and holding a cup, waves at camera