‘How Do You Do This Every Day and Not Get Pissed at God?’
“How do you do this every day and not get pissed at God?”
This was the second question I was asked recently about parenting an autistic child. This question I answered simply: “I am not mad at God because he is my son. I understand him to the best of my ability. I get to see what he struggles with every day and know that from his perspective things are SO different, that none of this is his fault and he was made by God to teach everyone in his life that he meets a lesson”
The truth is that this question is such a loaded one: How DO I do what I do every day and not get pissed at God?
Maybe I should start with the fact that I believe that everyone comes into our lives for a reason, no matter how quickly that point of contact might be. I believe that our children pick us before they are born because they have lessons to teach us.
If I were to be mad at God, would it be because my beautiful youngest son has autism?
What about the fact that my amazing oldest son has ADHD and SPD, was developmentally delayed, blind in one eye and suffered through combative panic attacks for the first four years of his life?
Should I be mad at God for having me be born into a situation where I will never know my biological parents? That I was then adopted into a family that would fall into the statistic of divorce a couple years later?
Maybe it should be for the interesting life I’ve lead… Dealing with my own ADHD, depression, anxiety, abusive relationships, addiction, cutting, being suicidal and only seeing only the worst in myself for years?
Should I be mad because the only love I thought I deserved for years was the love from a one-night stand because I felt that I wasn’t deserving? That I was broken and who could love that?
How about knowing what a psych ward looks like because I’ve had to go there a few times when I was an adolescent?
What about when I was told I would never have children, only to get pregnant and have a miscarriage that ripped my marriage apart?
I could be pissed at God for so many reasons! Really I could, but I’m not.
I am more spiritual than religious, to be honest. I believe that every twist and turn in my life was a lesson I needed to learn to get me where I am today. All of the chaos, sadness, guilt and pain I needed to learn what it felt like not to be “normal” and to grow into the unique, brazen person I am today.
Without my kids and their mold-breaking personalities that come with alphabet soup, I would be lost; my purpose would be non-existent. I would be a woman searching to find her passion and definitely would not be the best version of myself.
My son, Bubba, made me the person I am today. He helped me realize that whatever was thrown at me I could handle. I was stronger than I thought. He is the reason I stopped feeling like less than good enough. The persistence, courage and moxie he has helped me understand that my expectations of life and parenthood were wrong; I needed to look at our lives differently. He helped me find my voice and showed me what unconditional love is.
My other son, Beast, has shown me how to listen, really listen. He helps me slow down and break things down. He’s taught me that I need to let go of even more of my type-A personality. The patience that I have found within me is amazing. My intuitive nature is so much stronger and my attention for detail has been sharpened. He has shown me a whole new way to look at the world, that I need to let down my guard a little more, be more open to ask for help and that my tribe of crazy is shifting, but that’s OK. I have to make choices that are right for him, even though they go against my moral high ground.
So how do I do every day without being pissed at God?
I do it because they are my kids, my world, and without them, I would be lost.
This post originally appeared on Finders Seekers.
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