My 12 Hopes for the Man Who Marries My Daughter With Chronic Illness
To My Future Son-in-Law,
As I write this, you are likely tucked safely into your bed, exhausted and eagerly anticipating your day tomorrow. You probably had a full day of learning and exploring, in the way little boys do. And while you most definitely do not have marriage on your mind tonight, I most definitely do.
Someday, sweet boy, you will marry my daughter. You should know that she is strong and feisty and loves fiercely. She is brutally honest, beautifully brave and endlessly kind. She is a fighter and a protector. She is my hero.
Shortly after her birth, she found her way back quite literally from the edge of death.
Every single day since then and for every day ahead of her, she will have a life-threatening chronic illness. Someday you will stand next to her and be as overwhelmed by her grace and strength as her dad and I am and will always be. She will rely on you to be strong in the moments when she is not and to love her, not in spite of her illness, but because of how she embraces life.
I love each one of my children and worry for their futures and the choices they will make for themselves. It’s hard to picture what life will look like in 15 years or 20, but I am very happy you will be in that picture for my baby girl. Part of me cannot wait to meet you and see that phase of life begin for my girl, but an even bigger part of me wants time to slow down so I can relish her childhood. I’m sure your parents feel the same.
There are many things I want for my girl and many things I pray that she will experience in her lifetime. There are lessons I want her to learn so she can be shaped into the woman and wife you’ll need her to be, but there are also things and lessons I want for you as you grow and become the man and husband she’ll need you to be. I will need you to be that man for her not only because she is my baby girl and deserves the best, but because her medical needs are very real, very challenging and very rare.
But before that, future son-in-law, I have a few hopes for your own journey along the way.
1. On this night, I hope you were tucked in by someone who loves you, worries about you and prays over you. I hope you pray too.
2. In the morning, you might be off to preschool or kindergarten, or you might be home-schooled. None of that matters. I only hope that you are kind to your peers, both in school and out. I pray that you feel the sting of mistreatment by those same peers, so you will know what it feels like and be spurred to befriend others who might also be stung.
3. I hope that you fail. Failure will teach you perseverance, and you will need that not only in your marriage, but in life. Perseverance will teach you to get up and try again.
4. I hope you respect your elders and hold doors for ladies. Chivalry is not dead, and respect will carry you far in life. Show respect and you will earn respect.
5. I hope you question everything. Someday, you might need to question the treatment plan doctors prescribe for my daughter. She will count on you to act on her behalf when she is not able. Be her advocate.
6. I hope you are strong. You will need to be when she is sick, and there isn’t a single thing in the world you can do to make her physically feel better. Your strength and love are what she will lean on in those times.
7. I hope you are considerate and put others first. Many people label my daughter as “special needs” due to the rarity of her condition and its life-threatening implications. My prayer is that you will simply find her special and rare.
8. I hope that you are never afraid to ask for help. From your parents, your teachers, your elders and someday, from me.
9. I hope that you love to build. Spend hours building and rebuilding whatever your imagination conjures up. Be patient when you don’t get it right the first time. You’ll need that patience when you marry my daughter, who is stubborn and headstrong, and never hesitates to speak her mind.
10. I hope that you hug your parents and siblings openly. My daughter is highly affectionate and will need your reassurance when facing yet another blood draw or panel of tests.
11. I pray that you have faith as it will carry you through dark days and nights when uncertainty looms large.
12. And finally, I hope you will recognize that while my daughter does have a medical condition that needs to be managed, she is so very much more than her diagnosis. You will know this when you see her. Her personality is so bright, and she is so loving that it blinds people to everything else. You’ll see.
I love you already,
Mom
(Your future mother-in-law)
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Eden Lord is the Founder and CEO of My City Med, an online medical community that curates the best available health and medical resources by diagnosis. She is a national advocate for rare disease patients and also helms a non-profit organization for kids and families impacted by rare disease and chronic illness. She lives in Kansas City with her amazing husband and three adorable kids.
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