Don’t Feel Sorry for My Autistic Child


I have four daughters. Two are autistic. Sometimes throughout my travels in life I encounter some people who I need to explain my girls autistic behavior to — because maybe they don’t understand. It could be at the library when someone is too loud and my daughter gets upset and covers her ears. Maybe it’s at the beach when she gets wet sand on her legs and begins to have a meltdown because her sensory tolerance is just lower that day. Or it could even be on an extra hot day out and about and she’s just not coping. When I explain to onlookers that my daughter(s) are autistic, I often get the response, “Oh, I’m sorry” or “Oh, that’s a shame” or “Oh, that’s sad.”

I just want to explore these comments.

OK. Having a child who is autistic can be hard. There are often times when it is so hard that you don’t know if you can handle it. But you do because you’re a parent of a child, and that means loving them unconditionally. Autism forces you to find other ways of doing things, it makes you aware of things you may have never considered before, it enables you to find a patience, tolerance and compassion for your small person that you never really thought was possible beforehand. You want them to grow up in a tolerant, understanding and loving world. So you model this as often as you can.

So yes, it is hard. I will not deny that.

But having an autistic child is not a death sentence. It is by no means the worst possible thing to happen to a parent. It does not mean your life is over. It does not mean their life is over. So you can shove your pity, your sadness and your condolences. I don’t need them; and my girls and their sisters and my husband don’t need them either.

I’m grateful for my autistic daughters.

They’re loyal. They will stand by you, even when you’re a flakey friend. They will root for you when others bail. They will continue to love you even when you’ve been an a**hole. They won’t judge you without real reason, and if you’re lucky enough to be their friend they’ll embrace you and love you for being you. They’re forgiving, and they won’t let you down.

They’re  intelligent. They have so much knowledge to share with you. It could be one of their few (or many) special interests, or it could be learning new things together. They have a thirst for knowledge, and if you take the time to find out what ticks their motor and find out how they learn, you’ll find your world becomes so much richer because of it.

They’re diverse and interesting. I bet you’ve never taken the time to ask an autistic person with a method for the way they eat things in a certain way, why they do it that way. I am sure you’ve never really noticed the reason someone who is autistic may wear sunglasses a lot is because they’re sensitive to light and sunglasses enable them to be more comfortable in social situations. I doubt you’ve ever made the realization as to why someone who is autistic really loves circles because they’re smooth and concentric, and this is reassuring. People who are autistic are fascinating to spend time with and have diverse interests and preferences. Not only do they perhaps like things a certain way, but once you spend time with them you realize it’s actually perfectly OK to have these preferences. Autistic people will expand your level for tolerance and color your world.

So don’t feel sorry for my autistic child.

Follow this journey on GirlTribe.

The Mighty is asking the following: What’s one thing people might not know about your experience with disability, disease or mental illness, and what would you say to teach them? If you’d like to participate, please send a blog post to [email protected] Please include a photo for the piece, a photo of yourself and 1-2 sentence bio. Check out our Submit a Story page for more about our submission guidelines.

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