I Thought Taking Medication for Depression Would Make Me Unlovable
At the age of 18, I was hit with major depression.
Since I was in college with no prior education or awareness about what had happened to me, the only way for me to escape my pain was through drinking and partying.
This, as one would assume, only made me fall deeper into a hole. But I was determined to fight whatever it was that had stolen my happiness.
When I graduated, a few pretty large life circumstances occurred, knocking me down even further. I needed to contact a psychiatrist.
Still not knowing I had major depression, I went to my first appointment to tell this doctor what was happening in my life. My parents were out of nowhere divorcing after 24 years of marriage, I was diagnosed with melanoma and I had just graduated. I couldn’t seem to get out of bed in the morning. I couldn’t deal with my life on life’s terms.
The first thing that came out of her mouth was that I had major depressive disorder and needed to get on medication ASAP. I had to quit drinking right away before I hurt myself and took my own life.
I was devastated.
Not because I was severely depressed — because I needed to go on medication. Oh no. Not me. I’m not going to be one of those girls who takes “happy pills” every day just to be OK. Not me, never, no way!
The book “Prozac Nation” had come out recently, and the way people spoke about and judged those who had to take medication for their “crazy brain” scared me so much.
Who was going to marry me? I was not dating at the time, but I feared there was no man on the planet who would want to be with me, especially not forever. It felt like a nightmare. I couldn’t be depressed enough to need this.
I pictured myself in line at the pharmacy, worried the pharmacist would say the name of the medication too loud and everyone would hear. I feared the look of horror from a date when I would have to disclose to him, “Oh, by the way, I’m on anti-depressants.” Surely he would never call me again. This was how I thought my life would be.
I decided to keep trying on my own to fight my depression with mind-altering chemicals and sleeping pills, and the result of that landed me in an intervention with my now broken family telling me I needed to start taking anti-depressants or I was going to hurt myself. They could no longer watch me live like this.
I gave in that day and called my doctor, telling her I would try the pills. But if they didn’t work, I would stop immediately.
It’s funny because that was over 20 years ago. I remember taking the first dose the doctor prescribed me, thinking all of my problems and pain would just disappear. They didn’t.
It has been a very, very, very long road with my anti-depressants to find the one that would eventually work. Unfortunately, it’s a trial and error process, but it is what it is.
I have tried over 15 different medications and have now finally found a combination that makes me feel like a version of my old self. The girl I was before depression reared its nasty head in my life. It’s been combining meds, therapy and my own personal spiritual/holistic approach to healing that has allowed me to show up for my life.
Oh, and as for the guy? I found the perfect man who loves me for my light side as well as my dark side. He supports me through depression and has never thought twice about marrying me. He even picks my medication up for me sometimes at the pharmacy.
Never lose hope when you are told you need to start medication. It’s not the end of the world. In fact, it can be a new beginning. There will always be someone who doesn’t care that you have to take them, and if they do, they weren’t meant for you anyway.
If you or someone you know needs help, please visit the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. You can also reach the Crisis Text Line by texting “START” to 741-741. Head here for a list of crisis centers around the world.
The Crisis Text Line is looking for volunteers! If you’re interesting in becoming a Crisis Counselor, you can learn more information here.
Follow this journey on Happiness, Love and Light.
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