Why Mornings Are Hard When I'm Hypomanic
Yawning, stretching and throwing back my comforter are the three ways I prepare myself to get out of bed when I’m stable. Those things are easy to do, and my mornings are calm, pleasant and productive. When I’m hypomanic, getting out of bed is a different experience, and my mornings are hard.
Hypomania is part of my bipolar disorder, and it comes and goes in waves. These waves aren’t calm though. They crash into me and knock me over. When I don’t pay attention to the warning signs of a hypomanic episode and ignore the onset of its symptoms, I’m vulnerable and unprepared for when hypomania hits me.
Hypomania is a mild form of mania that makes me intermittently irritable, hyper, impulsive and unable to sleep. It takes away my calm demeanor and replaces it with excessive energy and misplaced motivation. When I’m hypomanic, I acknowledge my symptoms, but sometimes forget to manage them properly. Neglecting to manage my symptoms makes my days difficult to get through and makes my morning especially hard.
During a hypomanic episode, I don’t get out of bed in a calm way, ready to start the day. Instead, I leap out of bed, leave it unmade and race around as fast as the thoughts in my head. From the moment I wake up, my heart is pounding, my thoughts are racing and I can’t think straight.
As soon as my feet hit the bedroom floor, I mentally make a list of everything I have to accomplish. As I do this, I become quickly overwhelmed and irritable because even though I’ll start all the tasks on my list, I know I won’t finish them. I know I’ll be too easily distracted and unable to focus because of my hypomania.
Sometimes, there is no waking up because at times when I’m hypomanic, I can’t sleep. When this happens, I start my day feeling irritable because I’m tired. When there is no waking up because I’ve been up all night, my thoughts are scattered and confusing, which contributes to my irritability.
When I do sleep, I wake up hyper and overzealous about the day. I immediately make goals for the next five years that aren’t realistic or attainable. I start obsessively cleaning my house, but don’t complete any chore I start. I decide to go out to shop and spend money I don’t have.
Mornings are hard when I’m experiencing hypomania because mornings lead to the rest of the day. I get out of bed feeling irritable due to lack of sleep or racing thoughts and that irritability follows me all day. Mornings are a gateway to hypomanic behaviors that leave me broke, disappointed in myself and angry.
Hypomania makes my mornings difficult because it prevents me from being mindful, appreciating each moment of a calmness and serenity. Mornings are difficult when I haven’t slept. Climbing out of bed irritable is not a good way to start the day.
Hypomania makes it impossible to have a pleasant morning, which leads to an even more unpleasant day. Mornings are a new beginning, but when I’m hypomanic, mornings are the start of a fast paced, unpleasant and complicated day. Mornings are not my favorite when I’m hypomanic. If I could fast forward through them during an episode, then I would.