You Might Be a 'Crohnie' If...

During my illness, people around me would make comments about me, things around me and going on with me. If it was related to my Crohn’s disease, I would say, “You know you’re a Crohnie when….” as a joke. I said it so many times, I thought I should write them down.

 I have been living with Crohn’s since 1988 after 20 years of rarely even catching a cold. I have had numerous surgeries, resections, abscesses, fistulas, fissures, kidney stones, obstructions, fatigue, dehydration and many other “minor” complications. I, like many others after diagnosis, went through the “Why me?!” phase, followed by the “WTF!!” phase and the “C’mon, really?!” phase. Today, because of Remicade infusions every six weeks, I am doing better, but still have days where Crohn’s disease gives me a nudge to say, “Hey! I’m still here!”

1. If you map out your trip to the corner store based on how many public washrooms you pass… you might be a Crohnie.

2. If you own stock in bathroom tissue… you might be a Crohnie.

3. If the staff at the local hospital knows you by your first name… you might be a Crohnie.

4. If you are told “You don’t look sick” 10 times a day… you might be a Crohnie.

5. If your intestines talk to you loudly and you tell people you’re just hungry… you might be a Crohnie.

6. If you can actually spell G-A-S-T-R-O-E-N-T-E-R-O-L-O-G-I-S-T… you might be a Crohnie.

7. If your family and friends give you gift cards to the local pharmacy… you might be a Crohnie.

8. If you go in to emergency already with your jewelry removed and just carrying your medical card… you might be a Crohnie.

9. If you start to get worried when you get down to the last three rolls of toilet paper in your house… you might be a Crohnie.

10. If you have to pass gas and hope you just pass gas… you might be a Crohnie.

11. If you have a hospital bag packed and ready to go, just in case… you might be a Crohnie.

12. If you get excited when toilet bowl cleaner goes on sale… you might be a Crohnie.

13. If you know exactly how much intestine you have… left… you might be a Crohnie.

14. If hearing the phrase “You’re so skinny, you should eat something” makes you want to scream… you might be a Crohnie.

15. If you can just look at food and tell how long it’ll take from the time you eat it until you have to go to the bathroom… you might be a Crohnie.

16. If after going to the bathroom, you come out, exhausted and out of breath like you just ran a marathon… you might be a Crohnie.

17. If you call your bloated abdomen your “Crohn’s baby”… you might be a Crohnie.

18. If you try and go a whole day without talking about your bowel noises and fail miserably… you might be a Crohnie.

19. If you scan a building while you’re out, not for the exits, but for the bathrooms… you might be a Crohnie.

20. If you can feel good one minute and be in hospital the next… literally… you might be a Crohnie.

21. If you lose count how many times you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night… you might be a Crohnie.

22. If one of the decisions you make for the day is whether or not to just get out of bed… you might be a Crohnie.

23. If you are more embarrassed buying toilet paper then you are buying condoms or tampons… you might be a Crohnie.

24. If getting out of bed is one of the highlights of your day… you might be a Crohnie.

25. If your trigger food is… well… food… you might be a Crohnie.

26. If the question, “How are you feeling?” is the most difficult question in the world to answer… you might be a Crohnie.

27. If you have all the ingredients memorized on the bottles in your bathroom… you might be a Crohnie.

28. If the airport security asks, “Can I look in your bag?” and you lift your shirt …you might be a Crohnie.

A version of this blog was originally published on Crohn’s Disease — Leaving the Seat Down.