In Memory of My Mom, Who Was Never Able to Find Her Light
Today my mom would have been 71.
She died when she was 52.
Much too young, but I’m sure to her much too late. When you live in chronic debilitating mental pain day after day, eventually you surrender. And when you do, one of two things can happen: you die, or you find life again.
I used to always ask myself why do some people make it through darkness and others don’t.
Throughout the years I have wanted to die. The pain from mental illness and addictions is deep. When you are in that dark place you just want the pain to end.
I watched my mom for as long as I can remember struggle with addiction and mental illness. The doctors fed her pills and more pills, gave her shock treatments and hospitalized her too many times to count with no success. Her many suicide attempts were not a cry for help. They were a desire for her pain to end.
I understand that today through my own addiction and mental health issues. When I was younger I did not.
Some people can find their light for life again. Sometimes people have remission. Some just don’t.
I, for whatever reason, have been one of those people who claw and crawl my way out of the big black hole of anxiety and depression time and time again, and have been able to stay clean and sober as well.
My mom died from her battle to mental illness and addictions like people with cancer can die by their illness.
I am still here. I will be the voice she lost. I will keep trying to slay my own dragons and fight “our” disease.
I will remember her pain. I will remember her tears. I will remember her holding on all those years with no relief.
She now has peace.
In memory of my mom, Diane: 1945 — 1997