Anxiety Is Like a Bad Roommate
Anxiety is like a bad roommate. Sometimes it’s quiet, and we live together without a hitch. We live together but our lives don’t intertwine, it’s a good deal. Every once in a while it keeps me up late, banging pots and pans inside my brain making it difficult to co-exist. When my Anxiety has a bad day, it comes into the apartment raring to bring me down with it’s passive aggressiveness. It takes over the space, changing the atmosphere from calm to totally haywire.
We’ve all felt anxious. That uncomfortable feeling in the pit of your stomach when you enter an exam, your sweaty palms when you meet a new group of people, or the knot in your throat right before you tell someone you like them. These things are normal, but when does it cross a line?
Something I’m trying to figure out is: When does every day worrying become so uncontrollable and unrealistic it can hold you back and make you feel helpless? And what can I do to feel more in control when that happens?
I’m going to be totally honest. When I came up with the idea for a video on SoulPancake, I knew it wasn’t going to be easy. What I didn’t know was that the creative process would cause panic attack after panic attack. I anticipated struggling, but I didn’t anticipate having to book a last minute flight home to be with my family because I wasn’t equipped to deal this caliber of anxiety.
I made this video after spending a month in the U.S., traveling with my fellow New Age Creators. I found myself alone for the first time in 30 days. Without the voices of my friends surrounding me, distracting me, an anxiety filled white noise flooded my bedroom.
I became acutely aware of all of my deadlines and responsibilities. Video due on Monday, rent due on the first, university starts in a month, what do I do after I graduate? Am I any good at this YouTube thing anyways? All of the things that would normally end up on a long term to-do list in my pocket became one of those billboards you hate, but can’t seem to get away from.
When you look at me, you see someone who willingly talks about personal ideas and opinions on the internet. Online and off, I’m confident, sarcastic and I usually look like I have everything under control and planned out to a T. You might even say: “It comes easy to her” this whole, “life” thing. While all of those things are true to an extent, you don’t see my brain constantly go fuzzy with worry about something I’ve said, you don’t hear my second-guessing thoughts say “Why on earth did you do that?” or “Is anyone going to actually care that I uploaded this video?”
It’s easy to feel like the end of the world is impending — but as much as I feel like panic and anxiety can make me weak at times, I know my strength to keep going will outlast it. I know that it’ll pass and I have found ways that help me cope:
When I’m restless, I take the pacing outside and walk it off.
I listen to playlists of nature sounds or songs that calm me down
I exercise. Taking care of all the excess energy from my fight or flight reflex.
I call someone I trust and I don’t hang up the phone until I feel myself relax.
Anxiety and panic can make you feel alone and misunderstood — and I’m not OK with that. That’s why I made this video. If one person can share this with their friends to explain how it feels, or just look at it and find that “me too” feeling, then it has all been worth it. Together, we can create an environment where it is safe to talk about our worries, and open up about the bad days. You are not alone, I am right there with you, and so are so many other amazing people who sometimes panic, too.