The Path of Love and Patience We Travel Together as a Special Needs Family
When I was teaching a freshman class, I remember a paper conference I had with a student one morning. While looking over his paper, this student told me he had ADHD. “I just have to work harder. It’s not easy, but I don’t let it hold me back,” he told me. I always remember this conversation. For one, it was the first time in my new teaching career that a student told me about his special needs. I felt honored and curious as to how I could help him succeed. But the conversation we had has also replayed in my mind again and again as I raise my own two sons, both of whom have ADHD and one who is autistic.
“You have some challenges,” I tell them. “I know it’s not easy. But it just means we have to be creative, work through things together, try again.” We’re going to get there, but the challenges that can come with ADHD and autism mean my boys might have to take a longer way around. As my boys travel their paths, I’ve realized I’m on the longer way around, too.
I read parenting articles about patience and find myself scoffing. I find myself justifying my irritation — “Well, I asked nicely the first three times! If you would just pay attention, Mommy wouldn’t yell!” I want to raise them right, to be kind, loving, respectful men. But that means I have to be kind, loving and respectful, too. I can’t justify acting like a jerk or dismissing my impatience and irritation as acceptable by-products of any parenting challenges I might face on a day-to-day basis. ADHD and autism can present challenges for my boys, but I don’t want them to say “I can’t” because of their special needs. I don’t want to say “I can’t” either.
I can be kind, like keeping them in mind when I plan our dinners because making their favorite foods is one way I can tell them, “I’m thinking about you.”
I can be patient. I can be creative in carving out one-on-one time, even if it is just snuggling on the couch, watching their favorite show. I can be interested, even if I can’t keep all Pokemon details straight.
And I can be loving, always loving, because they are my sons and I am their mom.
We’re on the long way ‘round. We have challenges. Maybe you do too. But let’s keep moving forward, choosing love, choosing kindness and choosing relationships.
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