When You Are Unable to Verbalize Your Depression
Your phone has just vibrated for the 12th time. Yet, all you can do is stare at it until the notification fades to the harsh black of your lock screen.
People keep asking you if you are OK – which seems redundant because surely you are seeping your sadness into the way you look. You haven’t slept in days and are lacking any form of inspiration to shower.
Surely, people can tell you are too sad for words.
But they can’t. They can’t because you don’t tell them how you feel. You feel like you can’t. In your mind, the more you talk about it, the likelier you are to becoming “mad.”
Maybe it’s an awfully hard thing to believe – that someone might relate to you. But here I am, writing an article to first, make myself feel a little better and second, to reassure you that you are never alone.
One thing I will never understand about myself is why I ever thought and still at times continue to think that pushing people away is a lot easier than admitting how I feel. Now I realize pushing people away only makes the other person wonder what they have done wrong.
The answer to this, of course, is that they haven’t. I just hate admitting I am depressed over a situation neither of us can change.
To the reader of this article, none of this is your fault, but please do not go looking for a person to blame.
I know it feels like you are this tiny dot on a gigantic map, but you are and always will be somebody else’s entire world.
You are not replaceable, and your thoughts and feelings are not insignificant.
Please reach out if you are struggling.
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Image by Grandfailure