To My Husband, Who Died by Suicide
I’m falling. Tumbling. Down into the past. I can feel everything I felt one year ago tomorrow. One year ago when you, my best friend, my loving husband, walked out the door of our home and took your own life. Your beautiful loving heart must have shattered in a million pieces. I wonder if you watched the demons leave your body and disappear. I wonder if you thought, “Oh why… why did I do this?”
My heart. My heart cracked in half when I learned you were dead. Before. And after. An earthquake inside my body just behind my ribs. Painful. So painful. Why am I toughing this all out? Why do I still reside here on this earth with a heart that is in pieces? Because of our children. Because I have to believe there is a greater reason to all of this. This is all I have to hang on to.
Family condemns and starts fights after a suicide. Truths are revealed. Friends start rumors. September 10, 2015. I was beaten to the ground. And after that? I have been beaten down farther by people’s words. But I have to believe some people are sent to be the light. And being the light can be painful. But it’s all I’ve got to go on. It’s what is pushing me forward.
This past week has been filled with emotions. I have found myself crying like a child on our bathroom floor. Screaming out to the God to just bring you back home. Yelling out to you… “Where is the note? The love note? The goodbye letter? Where is it?” I am just allowing all of these feelings to flow. I have learned so much in this past week. Emotions are teachers if you pay attention and listen.
I tumble down further. Down into a review of the final days of your life. I go back and I look at you over dinner longer. I smile at you more. I reach for your hand over and over. The past still exists because time does not. Time is man made. Past/future/present is all happening at the same time. I stand there in the kitchen with you on the final morning I will ever again have a best friend here on this earth. I sneak a note into your pocket when you aren’t paying attention. It reads:
“I love you. No matter what they tell you, those screaming inside your head. No matter their lies. I love you. What we have is real. You are my truest friend. You saved my life so many moons ago, and I only wish you would reach out for me to save yours. Or maybe I did. Maybe I did save your life and I just don’t see it that way yet. I gave you my love, my heart, your children, my everything. I can only hope you take my love with you. Don’t let it bleed out of your heart when you go. Wrap it up in golden paper and take it with you in your soul. Don’t go. Don’t go. Don’t go. Oh God, please don’t go. Don’t go, but if you must., take the love. Take the love and let the rest go. I love you infinity. Birdie.”
I’ve been down that rabbit hole for days now. Falling down levels and levels and making stops in time along the way. Checking in on you, my best friend. Replaying and reliving the moments and memories again. Just one last time. Smelling your clothes. Holding your hand. Snuggling into your chest. Listening to your beautiful heart beat. Going back in time to each year we were together. Sneaking into our house at night like a ghost and whispering in your ear as you sleep. Don’t go… don’t go… don’t go. The world needs you. I need you. I love you infinity.
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Thinkstock photo by lolostock