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When It's Time to Decide Whether or Not to Check Yourself Into a Psychiatric Hospital


IMG_20161113_235326 There comes a time with mental illnesses when you realize that checking into a hospital is probably the “right” thing to do. Yet, as you sit there in such a state of despair, you’re thinking about the burden you feel you are and how much more burdensome you might become.

The thoughts I have at this moment, after I have successfully put a whole in the wall from banging my head against it several times, is that I’m definitely not OK. I definitely should not be alone. Yet, also, I’m thinking about how long it will take me to get better if I don’t go.

So here I am, lying on the bathroom floor at 2 a.m., vomiting with the only ounces of energy I have left in my body. Of course, it’s pointless because I haven’t eaten anything all day, but my body doesn’t care. As I lie here, slumped over like a rag doll, fighting for air and strength, my brain is telling me ugly things.

I realize if I were to check myself into the hospital, I’d be out of work for a while. What will they think of me then? I realize tomorrow is my husband’s birthday. How selfish would I be to do such a thing to him?

Besides, the urge to end it all is there, but my body won’t let it happen. My body fights it, even when I don’t have the mental strength to fight it anymore. My body reaches that breaking point and takes control, leaving me breathless and sobbing because I’m too weak to do it after all.

I’m in a state of limbo. Can I kill myself? Can I not? Can I get through this without intervention? Will it eventually lead to my demise?

I’ve never been in the hospital for my bipolar disorder before, though I am certain I’ve had times I should have been. I don’t even know what they’d do for me. It seems so pointless, yet so necessary all at the same time. This is what it’s like when “I really don’t feel good” turns into “I’m definitely not OK.”

If you or someone you know needs help, visit our suicide prevention resources page.

If you need support right now, call the Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255. You can reach the Crisis Text Line by texting “START” to 741-741.

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