To the Family and Friends I've Lost Touch With Because of My Bipolar Disorder
Dear friends and family,
I’m sorry we have lost touch throughout the years. I have been fighting this uphill battle since a young age. I’m sorry I cause confusion when I reach out to you, and then you never hear from me again. It’s nothing personal. I promise.
Sometimes, when I reach out to people and they seem uninterested by the conversation, the devil on my shoulder tells me I’m not worth their time or they hate me. The last time I reached out to an old high school friend, I got the sense I was a waste of their time. I have been scared to reach out to people because I have a severe fear of rejection. I think about reaching out to you, even if it’s just to say hello and see how you’re doing, but the fear overwhelms me and my body shakes. I let the devil win and tell me I’m worthless and nobody wants to talk to me.
During the past few years, I have met many people who do not understand mental illness and have treated me like trash. I lived in one house where a girl believed everything I must be doing was directed at her. However, she did not stop to think I’m human and maybe something bad just happened.
I’ve experienced manic and depressive episodes since 2012, and I could not comprehend why my emotions were so extreme. I’ve had manic episodes so intense, I should have been hospitalized, but, until recently, I didn’t know that. In all honesty, my social media pages make my life seem more glamorous than it is. I have contemplated suicide since I was 12 years old, and I have been self-harming since I was 7 years old.
To this day, I don’t see the point in life, and I’m tired of pretending. I have never fit in anywhere, and my whole life I’ve felt invisible. I have trouble trusting new people. So if I have opened up to you, then I trust you.
These past few years have been nothing but trouble from terrible landlords to terrible neighbors. I was already afraid of trusting strangers, but now I just hit my panic button. Finding safety is an ongoing process, and I don’t think I will ever find safety in a rental.
I am sorry if I have reached out to you and not responded or forgot your birthday. Please, know I do have the desire to be your friend, and I would love to hear from you. I’m just in a fragile state and trying to recover from a couple suicide attempts. I am just learning how to live a “normal” life with bipolar 1 disorder.
If you don’t feel you want to be friends with me anymore, I understand that and I am grateful to have shared moments with you. I come with way too much baggage and even I don’t want to deal with it all. Just promise me you will remember the good times we’ve had.
If you are willing to stay and try to understand, then I thank you so much. Words cannot express my gratitude. I may not be able to see you often, but I will try my best to text you and see how you are doing. The road to recovery will be tough and a constant battle, but I am glad to have you by my side. Please, do not always judge people based on their actions without considering what else might be going on. Remember, everyone has problems. Be sensitive.
If you or someone you know needs help, visit our suicide prevention resources page.
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