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How Hanukkah Helps Me See the Lightness and Darkness of My BPD

There are distinct feelings one can get at the holidays. It can be the warm flutter of your heart as you are surrounded by family or the cold frost of being alone and numb to the world. To have borderline personality disorder is to be both at once. The addicting pull of the warmth and attention you receive and the stone cold feeling of being separate from everyone, different.

The miracle of Hanukkah and the symbolic light is almost a life vest to me. The reminder of miracles in the small things and the light that never goes out. I hold dearly to these comforts as if they are what keeps my heart beating. However, at the same time I have to acknowledge the flip side of things. No matter how beautiful the lights upon the menorah are, there is still darkness contained within me. Where there is light, there is the darkness that surrounds. We see light and darkness and marvel where they intertwine.

We know from experience light is warm and dark is cold. Fire brings warmth and night is when the cold can take hold.

Being borderline means you have to see these differences and live the differences at once where others only have to feel one thing at a time in a moment.

Being borderline may not be something I chose for my life. Being borderline may be a challenge and may be a burden, but being borderline can also be a blessing. You see both side of the coin at once and see the beauty in each. The feelings that dwell within you may be conflicting, but they may also help you empathize with others.

This Hanukkah, I’ll marvel at both light and darkness and how I can contain both at once. I’ll again marvel at the miracle of my borderline.

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