Dear my younger self,
I wish I could tell you everything works out in the end. I know growing up in a home that was always in shambles was scary. It shaped your outlook, and made it seem like the the world is a scary place because you’ve never known safety. I know growing up with anxiety and never learning coping mechanisms was exhausting. You’ve questioned your worth so many times, resorting to self-harming at the young age of 7.
It seemed like there was no place for you in the world, where your qualities could shine. The world was a cold, dark place and all you felt was sadness and pain. The sadness consumed you at age 12, with your first attempt at suicide. I wish I could tell you that you are worth more than people are willing to see. After being hospitalized for my first suicide attempt, you had a great support community, and you began to recover successfully.
Entering high school changed everything. I am sorry I have caused you so much pain. I know it was easy to bury the pain from the past and continue like nothing ever happened, but then it happened again. The sadness consumed you, and the self-harming began.
Yet, this time was different. The colors seemed brighter, and you were flying close to the sun. I wish I had caught this manic episode when it first happened, and I am sorry I didn’t. I did not understand my feelings, and there was no safe environment for me.
During manic episodes, I engaged in so much risky behavior that ended up leaving more scars. These scars would be buried so deep in hope that I would never have to face them again. It is hard to talk to someone about what happened, but I wish you did because that post-traumatic stress has caused so many problems in your life.
Despite having great friends who were always there to support you, you should have told them what was really going on. I know withdrawing from society is all you know, but you can learn how to cope properly with the help of friends and family. I know you have a fear that they will judge you or not understand, but that is OK. I wish I could tell you if your friends judge you or don’t understand, then they aren’t worth your time. There are good people in the world, I promise. You just need to give people a chance.
I know there will be days when you sit and contemplate suicide. Please, remember you have held on this long because it’s not your time yet. You still have much to do in this world, and one day you will have a fiance who loves you very much. You will have the ability to be in a safe environment where you can have bipolar episodes that do not have quite as terrible consequences. You will be able to find yourself. You just need to hang on.
If you or someone you know needs help, visit our suicide prevention resources page.
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