To My Fiancé Who Loves Me When I Can't Love Myself
I often question how someone could love me when I can’t even love myself. Meeting you was the best thing that has ever happened to me. The last time I felt like myself was the moment I met you. I felt genuinely happy, and I have only been genuinely happy a few times in my life.
I know there may be times when you have doubts about me. I understand that. I don’t tell you enough that I need you, and I can’t imagine my life without you. You have saved me from multiple suicide attempts and tried to help me make sense of everything.
I’m sorry I can be difficult at times, and the smallest things trigger me. I am sorry there are days when I can’t get out of bed or do any housework. I am sorry there are days when I’m flying so high and can’t sit still. I am so grateful to have you in my life.
I am extremely grateful you noticed my manic episodes because no one else paid any attention to me. My whole life I wanted someone who understood me. I wanted someone who let me be my true self and loved me unconditionally.
Even after I’ve had rapid mood swings and tell you I hate you, you’re still here. You’re cleaning up someone else’s mess and have so much weight on your shoulders. Yet, you’re handling it like superman.
I am sorry I come with so much baggage. I am so grateful to have you. You’ve bailed me out of many manic situations, even though some of them weren’t pretty at all. People see me as a sweet, nice person, who is shy. Yet, behind closed doors, we know that changes tenfold. I always change my behavior dependent on who I am trying to please. So I didn’t really know who I was, but you helped me discover I wasn’t just depressed.
You have always been there for me, and it’s surprising to me because whenever I needed someone, something bad happened. I have struggled with anxiety disorders and depression all my life, but we have a few new illnesses that have shown up. I know I can’t hide anything from you, and I know my bulimic behaviors are bad for me. Yet, I have a severe fear of how hard it is to change behavior. I’ve had this behavior for so long that the thought of changing is hard to handle.
As I embark on this new journey, I want to express how grateful I am to have you in my life, and I couldn’t imagine it without you. When I become someone who I don’t even know, please, know that deep down I truly love you and I want you by my side until the day I die.
Thank you for putting up with my daily life struggles and understanding me. Thank you for accepting me for who I am. I love you, forever. You’re my soul mate.
If you or someone you know needs help, visit our suicide prevention resources page.
If you need support right now, call the Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 or text “START” to 741-741.
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