Wondering What My Husband Felt Like When He Experienced Psychosis
I went away this weekend to a tiny cabin in the woods with just me, my children and my two German Shorthair dogs. We ventured two hours away from home down gravel and dirt roads to a little getaway with no real address on Google maps. Beyond cell service, but thankfully with spotty wi-fi in case anything would happen. We had a wonderful time swimming, kayaking, building campfires, playing in the woods and just being together out in nature.
I awoke at 2:00 am last night to the sound of pouring rain on the tin roof, thunder and lightening. I am not a worrier by nature. If my husband had been there with me in this storm I would have just closed my eyes and went back to sleep. Comforted by him laying beside me. I met my husband when I was 24 years old. Every adult vacation I ever went on was with him. He was my person. He was my protector. He was my everything.
So now I was wide awake looking at my sleeping children, one on each side of me. Two dogs at my feet. A panic filled my entire body. My mind raced with thoughts of… What if a tree falls on my car? What if the power goes out? What if, what if, what if? I kept checking out the windows into the blackness of the woods. This is not the city. You can see absolutely nothing out the window until the lightening strikes the lake. I stayed awake like this for an hour. Buzzing with fear. I made myself try to lay down and go back to sleep and went in and out of dreamland. I prayed for daylight. I asked my angel guides to protect my children, to protect this little cabin, to keep the power on, to protect my car so we could go home later that day as planned.
I laid there and realized. This. This storm in this little cabin is telling me his deepest secrets. It’s telling me how my husband must have felt during all of those nights he just told me he had insomnia. He did not “just” have insomnia. I have read in depth about psychosis, hallucinations, hearing voices, paranoia, schizophrenia and more. He felt the way that I was feeling only times 100? 1,000? He felt this buzzing fear in the darkness of the night except he saw demons sitting in the corner of his room. They were as real to him as I was. He heard them speak awful things. He kept quiet about it to not scare me and our kids. He kept quiet about it during the day because somewhere along the line we tell kids that to be strong is to fight through your fear.
Yes, sometimes it’s awesome to fight through your fear. But, if your fear includes seeing a demon in your bedroom? Don’t fight through that fear. That doesn’t make you any stronger. What makes you strong is telling someone. Get yourself help to make that demon climb out the window and never return. Do not sit alone in the dark with your heart beating, your mind racing, palms sweating. Say something. Scream for help. Fight to save your own life.
If you need support right now, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 or text “START” to 741-741.
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