Dear bipolar disorder,
At first I was stubborn and did not want to admit we had a relationship. However, over time you grew on me, showing your true colors at every turn. The extreme shifts in mood became a way of life, resulting in extreme pain and struggling. Because of you, everyone who surrounded me felt like they were walking on eggshells, unsure of my triggers.
You made me feel so good, confident and filled with energy. You told me any actions I took would have no consequences. You filled my mind with delusions of grandeur and lured me into believing I could actually fly. Yet, while flying so high, you filled me with agitation and unexplainable anger that was taken out on my fiancé or through self-harm. Then, you would break down my confidence and taunt me. You told me I was worthless and no one would ever love me. I cried multiple times a day and felt so numb inside. Ultimately, I resorted to self-harm, a habit I cannot seem to break. You made me truly believe I was better off dead, so I tried to die by suicide multiple times.
This was our cycle for four years before a proper diagnosis was made and treatment had begun. This felt like being on a roller coaster I could not get off mixed with an abusive relationship. However, I am thankful I got to have this relationship with you because you have taught me so much about myself and my family. I felt so frustrated to be diagnosed with the rarest form of bipolar, but without it, I wouldn’t have learned my grandfather had bipolar I as well. You have taught me I am a strong person who is worthy of life and love. You have shown me despite all my pain and suffering, life is truly worth living and I am lucky to have someone to share it with. You have helped me to find my purpose and given me a way to reach out and help others. I understand living with you is a lifetime commitment and I’m ready to make that commitment. You just need to promise me you will continue to teach me and help me through this healing process.
The one you’re stuck with forever
If you or someone you know needs help, visit our suicide prevention resources page.
If you need support right now, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 or text “START” to 741-741.
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