I Should Have Been Taking Finals Today


Yesterday I got home with organized plans on how to study, ready to take on the world. I decided to wait until my mom got home (around 4:30) to actually begin my process. But by then, I had lost all motivation and was completely unable to accomplish anything. I wanted to study; in my mind I could see all my notes laid out and me solving practice problems, but in reality I just couldn’t. “Study for 15 minutes,” my mom would beg. “I can’t. I can’t. I can’t,” was my only reply. Around 5 we went to go look at a new apartment for my older sister, a nice break from the stress of not studying. It got so much worse when we arrived back home. I began to cry about not studying.

Earlier that day my teacher, in an effort to convince us to study, had used a favorite scare tactic: “If you haven’t started studying this test will be really hard and the results are permanent and assessments are 60 percent of your class grade.” In my head this became a lecture on not getting into college and failing everything. Needless to say, scare tactics don’t work so well for me.

Anyway, I sat at the table crying about needing to studying, but not studying. I calmed down a little and enjoyed dinner, and then it got worse. As it got later I began to be upset that I hadn’t studied earlier. I ended up sitting in the corner of my kitchen (it felt safe) crying hysterically for multiple hours. I was embarrassed, scared, upset, and exhausted. Being terrified is beyond tiring. Eventually I decided I wouldn’t take the test and sat with my mom and sister, still upset.

I went to bed early, trying to least get the sleep I needed, but when I woke up this morning I didn’t really feel any better. I knew I was too exhausted and worn out to go to school; I was absolutely not faking being sick.

So, right now, my classmates are taking their tests, and I’m lying in bed. I have friends who get three hours of sleep and are fine. I usually miss about 15 days a year from being sick. It’s sucks, and I wish I could go to school, but some days the world feels against me, and I can’t.

We want to hear your story. Become a Mighty contributor here.

Thinkstock photo by disqis

TOPICS
JOIN THE CONVERSATION

Related to Anxiety

Ways to Magically, Totally, 100% Cure Anxiety

People jokes about the magical ways people have told them to cure anxiety that does not work. Read the full story.
a woman peeking through her blinds out her window. Text reads: 25 things people don't realize you're doing because of your anxiety.

25 Things People Don't Realize You're Doing Because of Your Anxiety

Avoiding text messages. Refusing to pick up the phone. Tapping. Nail biting. Hair pulling. While these might seem like rude or annoying habits to an outsider, for someone with an anxiety disorder, it can be part of their everyday life. And while most people understand what it’s like to be nervous or anxious, those with [...]
a sad student holding books sitting on a staircase

How to Navigate College With an Anxiety Disorder

I am a full-time college student. I also have an anxiety disorder, and have had one for as long as I can remember. This certainly isn’t an uncommon occurrence; a large portion of college students experience mental health issues. Many people who struggle with mental health issues have done so for a significant portion of their [...]
An illustration of a woman with birds around her

What It's Like When Anxiety Tells You Everyone Is Going to Leave You

I’m afraid of the people I love in my life leaving me. I suppose you could call that “abandonment issues” or whatever popular catch phrase you would like to go with, but it’s the truth. Moreover, I’m afraid that the reason they will leave me is because of me. I’m too needy, weird, crazy or complicated to [...]