The Aftermath of Having Fun When You Live With a Mental Illness

Living with multiple mental illnesses, depression, generalized anxiety disorder, borderline personality disorder and avoidant personality disorder means…

Sometimes having really good times with friends, laughing a lot and pushing those million thoughts and fears racing through your head a little out of your focus and ignoring them for a while.

And then…

The second you turn around and walk through the door, you’re on your own again, and those thoughts come rushing back in.

They’re beating you down, telling you lies. They hurt and overwhelm you.

And all those fragile little positive thoughts of having fun, feeling like you’re part of something and maybe even enjoying life for a few minutes or hours, being proud of yourself for taking part in a social interaction, fall apart.

It’s even hard to remember those thoughts and how they felt.

It’s like watching your memories through a big bowl of dark, dirty, sticky oil.

You can’t see them clearly or, much less, catch them.

All the power is gone.

You’re empty. Exhausted. Paralyzed..

And other thoughts start taking control of you.

Sneaking into your mind like fog. Infiltrating every part of your brain and your heart.

And with that storm in your head of: Why…? Why…? Why…?

Little by little, you begin to question all steps of recovery you’ve reached.

You feel unworthy, separated, isolated, drowning, imprisoned, tortured, alone.

Alone. Alone. Alone.

This monster

The fear. The anxiety.

It tears you apart.

And weighs you down.

Rising again is the most difficult part of mental illness.

Why…?

But if you make it once, this can be your incentive for the next time.

Don’t give up. You will learn to clean the bowl and remember your positive moments.

They are the fuel for your rocket launch.

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Thinkstock via XiXinXing