female hands with pencil writing on notebook.

Dear Anxiety: It's Time for You to Go

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Hey, you!

Yeah, you — I’m talking to you. You’ve interfered with my life for long enough. It’s time for you to sit down and listen to what I have to say:

Anxiety, you have got to go. You have overstayed your welcome, that is, as if you were ever welcomed in the first place. You’ve held me down. You’ve got too involved. You’ve hurt my relationships and friendships time and time again, and you are now getting too involved with my relationship with my son. You have got to go.

Years ago, when we first met, I was around 15 and I thought you were a product of my teenage hormones. Together with your good friend depression, you’ve toppled right over me and led me on this ridiculous roller coaster of emotions and mental illness for the past 20-plus years. You started out slow and then totally took over. You’ve grabbed the steering wheel to my life and I want it back for good.

Sure, you come and go, but the problem for me is how you always come back. I do not want you to come back. You make me feel physically ill. You choke me. You suffocate me. You overthrow me. I sometimes feel weak against your strength to have that much control over my mind. When you get help from your buddy depression and you both hit me at once, I feel like I’m drowning, like I’m done for.

You make me feel like a failure, like I’ll never amount to anything. I started writing to help me deal, but then you come along and make me worry about how much I am writing. You heighten when I haven’t submitted a piece, or when a piece I wrote has been rejected. You make me doubt myself and my abilities. You increase your hold on me when I have to go to work that day and don’t have time to write. How is that fair? I literally cannot write from work.

You quicken my heartbeat, and not in a good way. I’m convinced you are the reason for my stomach pains. I’m worried about developing an ulcer because of you. I take a pill every morning now, again because of you. Do you not care?

Obviously not. Now that you’ve become over-involved in my life with my child, I am starting to get a bit angry. I worry about what behaviors I’m displaying, which you are responsible for might I add. I worry about how you and good ol’ depression will affect my relationship with my son. He sees me crying. He feeds off my aura. He has started noticing when mommy isn’t feeling good and I don’t like it. I get impatient with him quickly in order to calm you, but it only ever makes things worse.

So please, anxiety — and by association depression — get out of my mind. Get out of my life. Leave me alone.

Sincerely,

Karen

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I Couldn't Function Today, but That's OK

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This morning, I woke up at 4 a.m., 30 minutes before my boyfriend’s alarm goes off. After having the flu all weekend, I felt surprisingly well, energized. I laid there until his alarm went off, we woke up with a kiss good morning like we always do. And then, he started making the coffee.

We sat outside and drank our morning coffee, he got ready for work, he took the dogs out on a walk. I started feeling kind of bad again so I rested and watched the news. 

I took him to work, came home and took a nap. I spent most of my morning waiting on the maintenance guy to show up to my apartment. While I waited, I made pizza and then I tried and failed at writing, I responded to old emails, and I tried writing some more. I even tried to plan out a blog post, and that’s when it all started.

I ended up not being able to process things anymore. Suddenly, I couldn’t imagine writing the post I was working on. I sat on the floor and cried with the company of my boyfriend’s dog. I couldn’t breathe. Eventually, I got up to smoke a cigarette.

There was no writing left in me anymore. I couldn’t bear to think of what I’d have to do. I tried and tried but nothing was good enough. I tried working with clay, but I wasn’t good enough at that either. I tried painting my nails, and guess what: I ruined them. Not good enough to even paint my nails.

After the maintenance guy left, I was a wreck. Now, suddenly I was anxious that I had done something wrong. Maybe I messed something up, surely he found something wrong with my apartment and now I’m going to be kicked out. I don’t know what he would have found, I don’t know what in the hell is so bad that it’s worthy of my eviction, but I’ve been kicked out of so many places before that it’s one of my biggest anxieties now.

Between that and not being able to process things, I started breaking down. Crying at the simplest of things, growing violent at the smallest of things. Even now, I want to break my phone but I push through this feeling and keep writing.

I don’t know why I get this way, I don’t know what causes it; I can’t even begin to describe it. I just want the pain in my mind to go away. I want to create something and be good enough at it. I want to be able to process my thoughts so that I can write amazing pieces.

I can’t function right now, and that’s OK. I can’t do the simple things, but it’s OK. I wrote this and that means I’m still somewhere in there, alive. I was able to write this.

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Thinkstock photo via Fly_dragonfly

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6 Things That Help When Anxiety Makes Me Overwhelmed

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I know a list like this is going to be different for just about every person who makes one. But that doesn’t mean what works for me won’t resonate with anyone else. In fact, I have connected with so many bits and pieces of posts from other people that I was inspired enough to want to write my own. So whether one person connects with one thing I wrote or no one does, it’s out there working to help break the stigma around anxiety and every other mental illness.

Here’s my list of things that help me when I get overwhelmed:

1. Reassurance.

I doubt myself. The simple act of someone telling me it’s going to be OK goes a long way. Also, sometimes it’s my physical health that’s scaring me and again and hearing it’ll be OK makes a big difference.

2. Being held.

My greatest love language is physical touch. In other words, I love hugs. And sometimes I just need someone to wrap their arms around me and not let go until I pull away. It makes me feel safe and calms my mind down. Also, science has proven it helps, so … science. Yep.

3. Understanding and patience.

Sometimes all I need is to know you’re in this for the long haul and aren’t going anywhere anytime soon. I know my fears are irrational and what feels like a crisis to me may seem trivial to you, but please understand I’m not in control of my mind and I care so deeply about you, even if I can’t show it.

4. Honesty.

Tell me the truth. If I am being unreasonable, expecting too much, not seeing the whole picture or not getting social cues, just tell me. It makes things worse when I know you’re lying to protect my feelings.

5. Presence.

Most times I do want to talk, but not always. Sometimes I don’t need or want to talk, but if you just put on some music or a movie and sit with me, the act of you simply being there is helping.

6. Questions.

If you don’t know how to help, ask me! I want you to speak up and feel comfortable enough to ask me anything. I’m very gentle and I promise I wont bite. In some cases, this is the best thing you can do. Just be prepared for me to say I don’t know, because I might not have an answer for you and that’s OK!

Anxiety looks different for everyone who has it. When my mind gets racing, I often wish my friends or loved ones just know what I need or how to help. And although I never expect that, this was the list I put together for myself to have when someone asks me “What can I do to help?” Before I wrote this, I never knew what to say. It’s not perfect by any means and it’s not a solution or cure, but my hope is that this resonates with someone in one way or another.

Peace, love and blessings.

Follow this journey on Rising and Falling.

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Thinkstock photo via kotoffei.

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To the Person Up All Night With Anxiety

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Dear Me,

The sun has probably gone down and you’re laying in bed trying to shut your eyes tight and forcing yourself to go to sleep, but your mind is racing at a million miles per second. Your muscles tense up and can’t feel anything, yet somehow seem to feel everything. All the tension is then released, and it feels like your body just ran 15 laps nonstop.

You probably didn’t have much to eat all day because your appetite just all of a sudden disappeared. Even the thought of eating makes you extremely nauseous. It’s not like your friends will notice if you skip a meal or two. Soon two skipped meals turns into four which turns into eight, which turns into days with just enough to keep you barely standing during the day.

You are constantly afraid. Fear is your middle name. Too scared to leave the house, too nervous to drive a car, too frightened to be involved with everyday life. This irrational fear has taken a hold of your mind and doesn’t seem to put your thoughts in order correctly. All your “what-ifs” come into play, and everything turns for the worst in your head. It causes you not to do anything. It causes you not to be.

You don’t know how to explain what is wrong, even to your closest of friends. You want them to help, but you can’t seem to figure out how they can do so. You decide to push them away because just the idea of somebody thinking something is wrong with you causes your anxiety levels to raise. You suddenly feel self-conscious about everything. You feel like you’re not valuable enough to them, as if they will get bored or tired of dealing with your issues. You’re screaming for help on the inside, but nothing except “I’m fine” comes out of your mouth. Why? Why is it so hard to surrender?

​You wonder what it is that makes you feel this way; your not-so-perfect family, your not-so-simple heartbreak, or your not-so-ordinary failures. You don’t know how to react, you don’t know when to react. You feel too much. Enough to make you so tired and drained that you eventually don’t feel anything at all. Enough to make you feel numb.

You start to think of yourself as “crazy” — crazy enough to think you’re not worth anybody’s time, anyone’s love, anything at all.

But you’re not.

It’s OK to not be OK.

As hard as it is to believe that you are, you’re not. As you are reading this you are probably agreeing with how sane you know you actually are, but your feelings are telling you something completely different. Your constant battle with your head versus your heart is back in full-swing. It’s OK. Keep trying, keep working, keep striving towards becoming better.

But don’t let it define you. Don’t allow yourself to believe that you are anxiety. It comes. It goes. You come. You go. You live. You move on.

Love,

Me

Follow this journey on Boldly Bee.

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18 Facebook Statuses People With Anxiety and Depression Want to Post, but Don't

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This is for the people who start to write an honest Facebook status… and then delete it at the last second, afraid they would be oversharing. As much as we want to be more authentic online, it’s tempting to make our online world match how we want others to see us. This means for people with anxiety and depression, much of our inner world isn’t shared online, and is instead kept hidden.

To see what people with anxiety and depression would post on Facebook if they could post anything, we asked people in our mental health community to share brutally honest Facebook statuses. Because although we don’t have to share everything on Facebook, it’s still important to share — you may just find you’re not alone.

Here’s what they shared with us:

1. “People think I’m happy and outgoing and pleasant all of the time. Especially at my job. But to be honest most days I could break down and cry at any second. My anxiety makes me feel like everyone hates me and is judging me constantly. And most days I believe it with all of my heart. Most days, I feel like no one is ever going to understand.”

2. “I can’t put into words what I’m feeling. How can I explain to you how I’m feeling when I don’t even understand it myself? Pretty accurate for many of my days with anxiety and depression.”

3. “It sucks the life out of me. It makes me a person I don’t like. It makes me a bad mom. It makes me feel completely useless on this planet. I always thought I would get better. Twenty years later I’m not. I don’t believe I ever will be, and it’s a scary thought to live with.”

4. “Very simple: I hate having anxiety and depression, but what I hate the most is that family and many people don’t take it as seriously. That makes me feel lonely many times. No one seems to care, or they think it is not a big deal.”

5. “More often than not, I feel that way too. I get annoyed at me. I get frustrated with me. I get angry with me. Believe it or not,  I get tired of me, too. Tired of the anxiety. Tired of the sadness. Tired of the stress. Sometimes when I’m alone, in my dark, lonely mind, even I hate me too.”

6. “It’s very lonely to have the constant companions of depression and anxiety because only I hear the critics’ words in my brain. Both have caused me to miss out on some of my life’s most precious moments (bonding with my children, enjoying time with my spouse, having friends, just being in a moment). I feel like a failure as a mom, a wife, a friend and a human being. They turn me into a crappy friend who flakes on commitments. They stop me from reaching out to support my friends and family when they need me. Generally… life with anxiety and depression is exhausting and disappointing.”

7. “Having them both tears me apart. I worry about every little thing, from not getting out of bed to not replying to people’s texts. But then depression makes me feel so sad, tired and deflated that I don’t have the energy to do anything. It’s like a war against yourself.”

8. “Am I crazy? Is everyone looking at me? What are they saying about me? Do my clothes look all right? Maybe I need a shave? Shall I go gym? If I go gym will it be OK? What will I do? Who will be there? I can always go tomorrow! Maybe a run instead? It’s too cold for that and plus I have no headphones for music. I should be doing more than this. But you climbed a mountain last year. Yeah I did, didn’t I, why no plans for this year? Shall I plan something? Let’s plan something. But you can’t do it then, you don’t have the right equipment. I need some money. Money isn’t everything! Yeah but you only get one life, live it to the max. Be happy. Am I happy? I don’t seem happy! Sometimes I am. I need to clean the front room and wash my car. Can do it tomorrow. But you always say that! Do it today! I don’t have the energy! Get off your arse! I need to eat healthy. What is healthy? Got nothing in and I am not going shop looking like this! Will just chuck a pizza in! Pizza tastes good, but have I eaten too much? I need the gym tomorrow now definitely. God, I am tired. You won’t sleep though. I will if I try. What am I thinking that for? It makes no sense. Oh, it’s 2 a.m. I need to be up early. I need to sleep. Shall I meditate? Still thinking! Goodnight!”

9. “I’m so lonely. I can’t tell anyone how I’m actually feeling because it just makes things worse, so I lie to everyone about it. I feel so isolated and exhausted. I smile and pretend everything’s OK, when I just wish there was someone close who could listen, understand and not make me feel like I’m crazy.”

10. “I’m exhausted! And no I don’t need sleep. I’m emotionally, mentally and physically exhausted. And it’s the same thing day in and day out. Just some days, I’m better at hiding it.”

11. “I may seem like I have it together, but I don’t. Inside I’m in a million pieces and I’m trying to glue them together, but my anxiety and depression keeps pulling me apart over and over again.”

12. “I don’t know why I feel anxious, I can’t give you a reason or explanation. Damn, I wish I had one myself! All I know is it feels like everyone is staring at me and judging me and any second now I’m gonna get a call telling me my fiance/daughter/son/any other person I care about is injured/hurt/dead, and I can’t stop thinking about it.”

13. “I often feel so lost in my own mind that this life is no longer my reality. The thoughts in my head, the demons that strike — they are my reality. Like a wave crashing into me, I can’t breathe, the water is slowly filling my lungs and I’m so afraid that I’m not going to make it out…”

14. “I’m so tired of wearing my mask in public. To the outside world, I look like I’ve got my shit together, but I’d be so embarrassed if anyone walked into my house.”

15. “Sorry if I message you too much. Sorry if I don’t message you enough. I spend all day thinking every action I take has to be the wrong one, so sometimes that means I don’t take any action. And I know that’s wrong too.”

16. “I don’t plan to get out of bed, let alone leave the house this weekend, but when you ask about my plans I can spin a good story even though it’s exhausting.”

17. “Even though I’m laughing, sometimes I’m still hurting on the inside. I keep waiting for someone to look into my eyes and see the pain, but it remains hidden behind the mask I wear. Social situations wear me down. I feel like I have two different people inside of me: one wants nothing more than to enjoy your company, and the other believes she’s not worthy of your love and would like nothing more than to hide under the covers and sleep all day.”

18. “Behind my smile is too much, and it would scare anyone who saw.”

What would you add?

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How I Explain Anxiety to My Friends Using This Everyday Item

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Explaining anxiety disorders has gotten easier over the years, but still continues to be a difficult endeavor. Many people can’t comprehend what is happening inside of the body, let alone what shows on the outside. After six years of being diagnosed with anxiety, I often find myself avoiding explaining anxiety to family and friends. But it is out of curiosity they would want to understand, so I always tried the best I could.

Often times, my monologue went like this:

“When there is a perceived threat, adrenaline is released to prepare the body for the fight-or-flight mechanism. When you have an anxiety disorder, the body is always mentally and physically prepared to fight the stimulus. This is exhausting, because there is no actual threat or stimulus.”

I never got much further then this without the other party drifting off. I soon realized that in order for someone to understand a concept, they have to be able to relate it to themselves in some way. So I came up with an explanation using what every person has used at least once in their life: an umbrella.

Having an anxiety disorder is like always carrying around an umbrella, but not any typical umbrella. The umbrella of a person with an anxiety disorder is heavy. It has to be dragged around wherever you go. The forecast could be sunny and bright for the rest of the week, but that slight possibility of rainfall means the umbrella doesn’t leave your side. Not ever.

So while there is no threat of rain, the umbrella still has to be there. You have to carry it around work. It has to always be with you in class. You can’t concentrate on homework because the weight of the umbrella is too much to bear. You get tired of carrying the umbrella around every day.

In more severe cases of anxiety, the umbrella doesn’t just have to be carried around, but it has to be open. It has to be protecting you from the rain that may not exist. This creates a shadow, a barrier that separates you from the world. In these cases, we can become depressed. The open umbrella doesn’t allow us to experience sunlight. It is even harder to close the umbrella again, but it is a relief if and when we finally do.

The worse part of having an anxiety disorder is that the umbrella feels like it will never goes away. It can only become lighter. Medications, therapy and a support system can take some of the weight away, but never all of it.

If you are a friend or family member of someone with an anxiety disorder, remember to ask us first if and how you can help. You may try to help carry the umbrella, when we really just need to sit, rest and take a breath. Please remember that you are not useless, and we appreciate your support. Sit with us until we are ready to get back up and carry the umbrella again. When we are ready, with your help, I promise we will go further then we ever have before.

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Thinkstock photo via Grandfailure

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