Editor’s note: If you experience suicidal thoughts, the following post could be potentially triggering. You can contact the Crisis Text Line by texting “START” to 741-741.
I don’t want to die. I just don’t know how to live the life I have been given.
I don’t know how to accept myself as I am. Mental Illness consumes everything for me. Whether it is the battling of the everyday effects of chronic major depression, borderline personality disorder (BPD) and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), or the incessant search for more information on my diseases in hopes of relieving some of the symptoms, it is a 24/7 task. To be quite honest, it is exhausting.
Sometimes it is difficult to accept that this is my life. For the most part, I believe this is as good as it is going to get. I don’t mean to or even want to sound so negative, but it is my reality. As my therapist said, I believe I’m not going to see the day where I can say I kicked depression‘s ass. I am about to be 43 years old. I have dealt with this every day of my life for as far back as I can remember. On a day-to-day basis, I just want an “out.” I don’t want to suffer through the ongoing treatment and hospitalizations to simply survive. I see suicidal thoughts as the only hope to an end to the torture my mind puts me through. All other hope has came and left for me.
I don’t want to “give up.” I have a loving family who loves me unconditionally and they are the reason I am still alive. I am not proud to say though that despite them, it still has not stopped the suicide attempts. Just because they say I am not a burden does not stop me from feeling like one.
But… the fact is mental illness hurts emotionally and physically. Many suicides are about wanting an end to these pains.
Chronic pain is hard and takes incredible strength to keep the will to live going. If you are fighting any type of chronic pain and are still here, give yourself some credit for what you endure. It’s OK to want to end the pain — I do too — but suicide can’t be the “cure.” We fought too hard to get this far. We will survive by taking it one moment at a time.
If you or someone you know needs help, visit our suicide prevention resources page.
If you need support right now, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255, the Trevor Project at 1-866-488-7386 or text “START” to 741-741.
We want to hear your story. Become a Mighty contributor here.
Thinkstock photo via vitapix
My name is Jennifer Davis. I am one of four daughters. A proud aunt to three nephews and two nieces. I live with chronic major depression, Borderline Personality Disorder, and PTSD.
jennifer-davis-3