To My Old Friend Depression: I Don't Need You Anymore
Editor’s note: If you experience suicidal thoughts, the following post could be potentially triggering. You can contact the Crisis Text Line by texting “START” to 741-741.
It has been nice to get to know you as the years have gone by. After tragic events you seem to be the only one there. It was nice to know I was never really alone, but wherever I went and tried to be happy you reminded me that I couldn’t. I am honestly over it, “old friend,” if I can even say that. You are toxic. You bring up all my wrongs, my imperfections and make me feel weak. I need to go away; we can’t be like this anymore. I tear myself apart from the inside trying to get over these fears you have put in my head.
Why can’t you leave? I do not want to live through the countless days of feeling like I’m nothing. My old friend, you made me believe no one liked or would ever love me, so it could just be you and I. All the 3 a.m. tears have now built to suicidal thoughts. My old friend, you make me believe that suicide would be the best option; you make me believe that no one would miss me. My old friend, I have lied for you countless times saying, “I’m fine,” so you wouldn’t be found. I’m sick of this feeling, of not being worth it. I’m done with the tears; if you loved me you would leave me alone, but what would you be without me?
I can now hardly eat because of these feelings you have left with me. People wonder why I don’t seem to smile, why I can’t eat more than five bites without wanting to puke. I have kept quiet for you but I can’t do it anymore. This wall of emotions is breaking and I do not want you around; when it has fallen I need to be stable. I can’t do this with you here. Please just go. I can’t ask nicely, you have left me with no choice. I’m done crying, I’m done with your physical harm, that has left these scars all over me.
You showed me the contrast between the dark and light, and harmful ways to deal with the pain that has left permanent scars on me today. I’m ready to call it quits. Thank you for being there, my old friend, but I don’t need you anymore. I just want to be happy like everyone else, is that too much to ask for? I know I’m not worthless anymore, even though you still make me believe in these lies.
My old friend, you make me sad and I can’t change it. You make me break and I can’t fix it. You’ve taken so much, so what else do you want? I’ve lost my friends to you, I’m going to lose the ones I love to you. I have lost my self-confidence to you. I have lost my way. No one notices how broken I have become because of you. I have a hard time telling what is wrong. I can’t reach out for help. This is the last time I will ask you to leave me alone. I can’t take these thoughts. I’m ready to be happy, so it’s time to let go. Maybe one day we’ll meet again, but until then we can be strangers in a world of millions.
If you or someone you know needs help, visit our suicide prevention resources page.
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Thinkstock photo via AntonioGuillem