Editor’s note: If you experience suicidal thoughts, the following post could be potentially triggering. You can contact the Crisis Text Line by texting “START” to 741-741.
Sitting at the desk in my room, my head is resting in my hands and my body is shaking as tears escape from my eyes. Finally, my depression is allowing me to release my emotions as the sadness within me has overflowed from inside. Finally, I am uncontrollably sobbing as my numbness has unmasked why it’s easier to hide my inner-demons than allow them to surface and expose their true pain.
Shaking and inconsolable, I can’t help but feel the self-hatred depression and anxiety often force upon me, as the thoughts I’d much rather ignore bubble up to the surface. As I stare at my desk with my tears obstructing my vision, I feel completely powerless and weak. All I hear running through my brain are the voices of the demons, screaming at me.
You’re weak. No one really loves you. You just make life more difficult.
In the moment, I am completely powerless. It seems that my inner-demons are relentless.
You’re disgusting. You’re just taking up space. What’s the point?
By some miracle, that last thought awakens something deep, deep from inside me. At that moment, I feel a small part of myself I haven’t felt since my emotions became numb. I can just barely feel this part of myself, but she is whispering nonetheless, begging me to fight the negative voices that have taken over my brain.
What’s the point? she whispers to me. There are so many points, so many more reasons to hold on than you could imagine.
With a sheer force of will and a little bit of trust, as I don’t entirely yet believe myself, I consider this reasoning. I am in so much pain, so much misery and some days it feels I will never escape the sadness that is eating me inside. Nevertheless, I am holding on. What is my point? Why am I holding on?
Even when I can’t see it in the moment, there are so many reasons I keep fighting despite the fact some days it feels easier to just hide from the world or succumb to the sadness.
I think of the smile on my lips when I’m walking outside with the sun shining and the small birds chirping and dancing from tree to tree. I think of the small conversations I have or the texts I receive from friends who truly do seem to care for me, even if my depression doesn’t always want me to believe it. I think of the tiny laughs that come from inside me when a small child is giggling and saying “hi” to everyone in their path, or that soothing feeling at the end of the day when I feel as if I have truly accomplished something. I even think of the comfort when a friend compliments me, calling me “their light,” or when someone tells me I have truly helped them through another day. Even when the bad overshadows the good, or when I’m hiding under my covers wishing there wasn’t so much time in a day, I can always count on the tiny glimpses of hope or wonder that flash through my mind, even if I didn’t notice them in the moment.
Standing up from my desk and letting out a huge sigh, I notice the tears have dried from my face and I am no longer shaking. Of course, I am still far from happy, and I expect there will be many more days of numbness and many more breakdowns to overcome. But I will keep fighting nonetheless.
I will keep fighting for the little girl inside me who sees so much good in this world and so many reasons to endure the sadness. I know the inner-demons can’t win and one day, the depression will lift and I will begin to enjoy a world with so many more possibilities than I could have even imagined. I, along with every individual with depression, deserve to enjoy the happiness of the world. Perhaps most importantly, I will keep fighting because there are so many answers to the question “what’s the point?” and those of us with depression are strong enough to fight, endure and free the person we truly are inside.
If you or someone you know needs help, visit our suicide prevention resources page.
If you need support right now, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 or text “START” to 741-741.
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Thinkstock photo via berdsigns.