When You Don't Feel Like You Deserve to Be Celebrated on Mother's Day
Mother’s Day is coming.
Two more days.
A day dedicated to mothers who strive over blood, sweat and tears to be the best parent they can be.
A day I don’t feel I deserve.
I love my daughter, more than life itself. I try to be a good mom, but sometimes I fall short.
As I watch my sweet child devour yet another lunchable for dinner, my heart breaks. She should be eating a healthy home cooked meal, not living off of microwavable foods with little to no nutrition yet full of sodium and MSG.
She shouldn’t be an easy target for my frustrated outbursts when I’m overwhelmed — even if she happens to be the reason.
She shouldn’t have to ask for attention on the days I’m struggling the most, especially because I coddle her insatiably and that’s what she’s used to. Seeing mommy distant and withdrawn doesn’t mean the same to her as it does to me.
Sure, I cuddle her. Sure, I remind her multiple times a day that I love her. And I absolutely love our girls’ nights in and girls’ days out. But is that enough?
No, not in my eyes. She needs a mother who cooks for her. Who sets an example of cleaning the house at the end of the day to start fresh for the next. She needs a mom who never raises her voice and gives all of my attention to her.
I fear that when she is of school age, she won’t be able to participate in sports, extracurricular activities or sleepovers. I fear I won’t be able to help her make good grades by assisting her with homework each night.
I work hard, and try every day, to be a better mom. But no matter what, I feel like a failure. And nobody gets it. No one understands why functioning at other mother’s levels is near impossible for me.
I long to be that mom that does it all: works, cooks, cleans, attends social events, participates in school functions, etc. But I am almost certain I’ll never be that mom. And that hurts.
It’s a crappy feeling to have. Feeling like a failure as a mom, guilt for being a failure as a mom, and fear that I’ll never be good enough.
If you need support right now, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 or text “START” to 741-741.
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Unsplash photo via Peignault Laurent