An illustration of a woman standing outside

Why You Shouldn't Be Fearful of My Borderline Personality Disorder

1k
1k
4

People are often scared of things they don’t know. In terms of mental illness, it can mean associating that fear with the person themselves, especially if it is a heavily judged or misunderstood disorder.

Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is the most heavily stigmatized disorder I have come across. Which is unfortunate, because I also happen to have it, and I promise that you don’t need be scared of it. BPD is a personality disorder which is defined by instability in behaviors, moods, self-image and ability to function. This can lead to dangerous actions and unstable relationships, alongside episodes of severe anxiety, depression, dissociation or anger which may last minutes or days and can be very fast-cycling. Sadly this is why the suicide and self-destructive statistics for BPD are so high. This doesn’t mean it’s a death sentence though, it’s just a slightly different way of life.

Don’t back away from or be scared of borderline personality disorder. Here are a few reasons why:

1. Because we are already scared. Can you imagine the fear of not being able to feel secure in your own brain, ever? The terror brought by not knowing when you might be in immense pain at your own hand or feel something that’s not real is constant and can feel devastating. We are scared enough for both of us, trust me.

2. Because people with BPD have incredibly empathetic minds. People who have been through pain tend to be good at helping others deal with and accept their pain. It can come in handy! What doesn’t kill you might not make you stronger and it can definitely make you more experienced.

3. Because everyone is the world has problems; if you happen to be close enough to us to know about our BPD then you know (in part) the problem we face. You know what makes us hurt, what makes us vulnerable. Knowing the problem is half the battle. Don’t back off at this point just because we aren’t “perfect.”

4. Recovery is possible. We will never erase the parts of our brain that are a tad extraordinary. However, with therapy, medication, a lot of courage and some life tweaks, we can be in recovery. Don’t presume that everyone with BPD is in crisis because I can promise from personal experience that is possible to go through BPD hell and come out the other side. Even if some of us are trying to survive each day with BPD crisis or relapse — some are also quietly living with it and functioning very highly. It’s a spectrum.

5. We. Are. Human. Yeah, BPD sounds scary, but don’t let that make you forget the human. It might have some very severe risks for us, but for you, just remember we are the same as any other friend! My favorite color is pink, I love Marzipan and glitter makes my world go round. Oh, and I have BPD. It doesn’t mean I am BPD.

People might not realize they’re participating, but the mental health stigma attached to things like BPD makes us feel judged and excluded. It often makes me feel ashamed of myself and that’s something that should never happen. I didn’t choose this disorder — all I did was choose to fight it. The thing which will help the most is if you can stay a constant thing in our seemingly ever-changing lives. My mind might feel all over the place, but the amount of difference a friend can make just by staying a good friend is so huge. Don’t look for the hard parts, we will be fighting against them. Just look for the silver linings. Don’t be scared of borderline personality disorder, there’s really no need to be.

We want to hear your story. Become a Mighty contributor here.

Thinkstock photo via Grandfailure

1k
1k
4

RELATED VIDEOS

TOPICS
JOIN THE CONVERSATION

Having Borderline Personality Disorder and Being in Love

2k
2k
4

I feel as though I am looking through somebody else’s eyes into a reality far from my own. My head isn’t a part of my body, and my brain cannot seem to connect the two. The world is foggy, the air thick and heavy. I feel the crushing weight of being alive, while simultaneously feeling as light as a feather. I am floating through the days as they blur into each other, so dissociated I can barely recognize myself anymore. Living with borderline personality disorder feels like I am constantly walking on eggshells in my own mind.

I’m trying to convince my mind that this is not me; it’s simply a part of who I am. I will have to take the highest of highs with the lowest of lows to survive. Constantly switching between admiration and wanting to run from those I allow to get too close. I am holding my head in the palms of my hands, my internal thoughts screaming at myself for being such a flawed human being. It’s not my fault. But it is my fault for pushing those who care away.

Since the age of 13 I have been in serious relationships, and I feel like it’s all I know. It’s put a lot of strain on how I see myself and how I feel I should be. I mould myself to the girlfriend who is kind, nurturing, and loving for the sake of keeping another happy. And I don’t know if who I am is true or just the parts of other people I have taken with me. I don’t feel like I have my own identity because I constantly immerse myself in the lives of others. I am so deeply afraid of being abandoned and allowing myself to become vulnerable to anyone who has the power to break my heart. In the past I have stayed in relationships for far too long with people who were wrong for me in so many ways simply because I didn’t want to “give up,” because I have always seen giving up as a sign of weakness. I still don’t know which thoughts are mine and which thoughts are the product of years of emotional abuse and trauma. This leaves me feeling unsure of anything and my defense to this is to dissociate and disconnect. Can I still be hurt if I’m not all there to begin with?

I have never known love as something that genuinely brings me joy until I started dating my current boyfriend almost nine months ago. When we started seeing each other romantically I almost convinced myself that I didn’t have this personality disorder that causes me to have self-doubt and abandonment issues. I convinced myself I was better and I wasn’t going to fall in to these patterns of questioning everything and pushing people away. I can slowly feel myself finding ways to sabotage something so special to me, and that is causing a great deal of distress and anguish. My mind is finding ways to tell myself it will only end in heartache, that I am better off alone. All I had known is the fire of a passionately abusive relationship and the mediocre love that simply brings me comfort. After all I have been through in past relationships, anything healthy doesn’t feel quite right and I feel like something is missing. It has taken me so long to try to unlearn these habits that I have known as “love,” the abusive behavior I received in my first and the emotional pain I inflicted in my second. I am not able to love easily, and trust is something I have struggled with most of my life. I have been taken advantage of sexually, financially, and emotionally. Because of this, I find myself in a difficult position when faced with a love that feels as right as this. I don’t know how to react, and I find myself swaying between two extremes: allowing myself to get so close to another, to expose myself in such a way that leaves me feeling naked and raw, and closing myself up like a wilting flower and hoping  they can still see the beauty in my rotting discolored petals.

I have read and seen so much negativity surrounding BPD, and it terrifies me that the stigma behind it has painted me in a light that could make you love me less. I am not just the ugly sides you sometimes see. I am all of the passion, the overwhelming fits of laughter and happiness, and the chaotic madness you have fallen in love with. I am the storm and the calm afternoon breeze all at the same time. For so many years I have been “too much,” “not enough” and have endured the question, “Why are you like this?” far too many times, and although I know I will always exhaust those who delve deep into my life, I am finding the balance inside me to calm my mind of these reoccurring thoughts of self-destructive behavior and sabotage in relationships, platonic and romantic. The intrusive thoughts I think and the emotions I feel are beyond my control, but how I choose to deal with them as they arise is up to me. I choose to be gentle on myself, I choose to make healthy decisions to get myself closer to where I want to be, and I choose to let the terrifying unknown space between now and then inspire me and not push me further into the deep hole of despair I know all too well.

If I ever feel weak I can find comfort in knowing I have made it this far, and that alone is enough proof that I am strong enough to keep going. I have the strength to continue love.

If you or a loved one is affected by sexual abuse or assault and need help, call the National Sexual Assault Telephone Hotline at 1-800-656-4673 to be connected with a trained staff member from a sexual assault service provider in your area.

We want to hear your story. Become a Mighty contributor here.

Photo by Tahlia Gorring

2k
2k
4
TOPICS
JOIN THE CONVERSATION

The New Barometer I Use to Understand When I'm Struggling With My BPD

224
224
0

I haven’t written in quite some time. It’s not that I was lazy. I just couldn’t.

As a contributor to The Mighty, I’ve realized the process of writing and sharing my thoughts with everyone has been very cathartic. Why then have I not written anything in over two months? Simply because I’ve been struggling recently with my issues, and when it gets really bad, I avoid doing what’s good for me. Previously I’d know when I was spending less time exercising or simply avoiding going out with friends. Now I have a new barometer: my contributions — or lack of — to The Mighty.

Writing for The Mighty was often a way for me to empower myself and others. When I’m at my lowest, I feel I simply do not have the strength to even exist. Writing at that time seems even more daunting. And strangely so, the moment I put pen to paper — or in this case finger to keyboard — I immediately calm down and seem to gain perspective.

So today, I decided to push through all the thoughts, beliefs and moods that kept me away from opening up to my fellow suppress and readers. And here I am!

To everyone reading this, it can be difficult to begin to do the things you know will make you feel better. My advice is to find the one activity you love that’s the easiest to begin. Ignore what your thoughts say about it not being worth it. And plough through the starting bit! Give yourself credit even if you took just one step more than yesterday or spoke to one more person than you otherwise would. Because you alone know what you overcome to reach there. And because you alone know that you deserve to revel in the success of your efforts. Just as I am now.

If you or someone you know needs help, visit our suicide prevention resources page.

If you need support right now, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 or text “START” to 741-741.

We want to hear your story. Become a Mighty contributor here.

Thinkstock photo via Mila_1989.

224
224
0
TOPICS
JOIN THE CONVERSATION

The Poem That Helps Me Cope With the Challenges of BPD

251
251
2

For so many years I have struggled, as have so many others, but what I find works best for me as a daily affirmation to myself to keep on moving forward is the poem below. I don’t always get to write daily, and when I cannot, I do see a difference in my emotional health, so now I carry a notebook and pen so the possibility is never far.

Written only three years ago, I started to travel a different path as I recognize — and accept — myself. There is no perfect person, so that should never be the aspiration. However, the goal should be to discover yourself. Find a new hobby, get out in the sun, go for a swim, reflect the thoughts in your head on paper, for then they are out of your head for you to see. For me, the written word is the most powerful tool for healing, and I find comfort in my daily reflections, whatever the emotions may be that flood out through the ink.

“In the Eyes of Borderline”

Tonight here I sit; slowly brush away tears
The house eerily silent as I devalue my fears
My world always changing, hope ebbs as it flows
Weaving around through blurred lines and shadows
How much time has now passed as I refuse to take aim
But when faced with the barrel, who can say who’s to blame?
I can know “it gets better” or “just give it some time”
But when faced with the past, what’s today’s paradigm?
The struggle through panic, self-loathing and doubt
A joke’s dime-a-dozen; Sarcasm’s my out
Flipping and tripping, floundering against pain
Metaphorical, physical, emotional, insane?
Reflecting, perfecting but never quite “real”
A chameleon alone who cannot truly feel.
In retrospect maybe, empathy none surpassed
But amidst human beings, wholly viewed an outcast.
Creative and boundless, an unyielding force freed
By the smile of another viewing the particulate me.
But what becomes of the soul, limited by the strain
Of the wholehearted desire for the beautifully mundane?
Life constantly changing; my poetical illusions
I can’t handle the darkness, but I’ve healed the contusions
As words becomes weapons; addictions conceal
No one knows ‘til the end; death a great reveal
An emotional martyr; a history of silence
Tumultuous energy in lieu of the violence
My rendition within lies inescapably clear:
If I continue this route, implosion is near.
So how to move forward; recreate my design?
I accept that I am who I am; Borderline.

Sometimes we need to realize the only person who can truly accept who we are — the only person that matters — is ourself.

We want to hear your story. Become a Mighty contributor here.

Thinkstock photo by clown business

251
251
2
TOPICS
JOIN THE CONVERSATION

To My Past Self Living With Borderline Personality Disorder

17
17
0

Dear past self,

In what feels like bottomless loneliness in life, don’t despair. Through all the darkness that seems to bind you, there is hope. At one point in your life, you will look at the shattered expectations surrounding you and think: This is it. That there is nothing worth living for. That just because things aren’t what you thought they should be, they are worthless. Nothing is worthless, especially you.

There are times where you will fail. You will lose your temper. You will say things you don’t mean and you will be sorry. You’ll be so sorry for who you are. There will be times you will want to give in to the darkness. But don’t underestimate your worth. You may be broken right now, but you are not worthless.

You will find in all the chaos, someone who quiets you. Someone who understands your rain. Someone who sees past the twisting roller coaster you ride and sees your worth. Never settle for less than that. Even if your reflection is like a funhouse mirror. Even if you cannot see yourself for who you truly are. You are worth so much more than just settling. So much more than just being comfortable.

Don’t be afraid. It’s hard. It’s so hard. But you will make it.

contributor photo

If you or someone you know needs help, visit our suicide prevention resources page.

If you need support right now, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 or text “START” to 741-741.

We want to hear your story. Become a Mighty contributor here.

Lead photo via Arkady Lifshits.

17
17
0
TOPICS
JOIN THE CONVERSATION

Loving My Mother Through the Mental Illness That Led to Her Death

111
111
0

I was 8 years old the first time my mother told me she was going to kill herself.

Born to loving parents who had been married for nine years and growing up in an idyllic Maryland suburb outside Washington D.C., I got a solid start in life. But within a few years, my home life began to unravel. In addition to depression, my mother had borderline personality disorder (BPD), marked by her emotional instability and dysfunctional relationships, and prescription drug addiction. Experiencing abuse as a child and always possessing a willful temperament, my mother was not an unlikely candidate to develop BPD. But it’s a psychiatric illness that’s notoriously difficult to treat, and despite being in therapy since her early 20s, over the whole of my childhood, my mother declined rather than improved.

My mother had the best intentions when it came to parenthood. In the late 70s, she wanted a baby girl more than anything, and when I arrived she showered me with love and attention. The baby book she made detailing every milestone and the photo albums with all of her captions prove as much. She was the first person to really encourage my writing, and she was always the person I wanted to talk to when I had a problem. Although her nurturing behavior decreased the older I got, there’s no doubt she gave me a good foundation and was an emotional force at a time in my life when my father and other family were absent.

With no real support network surrounding the family, I had no choice but to rely on my mother’s contradictory parenting for sustenance. She alternated between worshipping and loathing me, fiercely protecting me in public and then verbally abusing me in private, holding onto me tightly and then pushing me away. My childhood was punctuated by endless groundings for infractions real and imagined, humiliating scenes at the doctor’s and the grocery store, and the repeated mantra that I was “rude and abusive.” Individuals with BPD are known for “splitting” people as black – all bad – or white – all good. My mother experienced this all my life. I lived for the “white” moments. She was everything to me, and I panicked at the thought of losing her. My life was a game of control, and as long as my mother was alive, I’d won.

Though she’d had her troubles with it. But the year my grandmother died and she finally divorced my father, she began a backward slide from which she would never recover. Obsessed with her physical problems, she traded one drug addiction for another. Every time I would return to my childhood home, which had been meticulously kept up when I was young and was now unclean and cluttered beyond recognition, I would see more evidence of my mother’s condition worsening. The crying jags and suicide threats increased in frequency and intensity and caused unbelievable pain and anxiety. Our experiences turned me into an adult well before my time, but by the time I graduated from college I felt like I was a hundred years old.

Some of the incidents from my 20s are burned in my brain – the time I left a dozen panicked messages on her machine convinced she was dead, only to find out later she was sitting next to the phone, the time I made a list of her insults from one conversation that spanned two typed pages, the time I came home from work and found 20 moving boxes filled with her belongings on my front lawn, the time she called to tell me she had “accidentally” overdosed.

After I got married at the age of 28, I stepped up my endeavors to secure help for her. I moved her to Providence, Rhode Island, where there was a world-class treatment program for people with BPD. I was despaired when she didn’t complete the program and moved back to Maryland against medical advice. There, I continued to fight my war with social service caseworkers, group therapy programs, and Social Security resources. I finally realized nothing I was doing was working because it felt like my mother was not motivated to get better. I mourned this loss. But I continued my efforts anyway until a monumental event happened – I got pregnant.

Eventually I conceded that after 30 years of fearing my mother would leave me, I was going to have to leave her. I told her I didn’t want to speak to her until she re-enrolled in therapy.

A tremendous sense of guilt and accountability for my mother’s life had kept me from making such a move earlier, and it was never easy, for I worried about her every day. We did exchange a few cards and letters. I knew in my heart my mother was losing her ability to be miserable on her own terms.

Then, one fall morning, my mother killed herself. We found out when a policeman from our local district came to our house and rang the doorbell.

Through all the hospitalizations, all of the times my family and I sent the police to her door in the middle of the night, all of the times she did or said something I’d add to the collection of wounds from my childhood, all I ever wanted was for my mother to be out of pain. I hope wherever she is, some part of her knew I would have done anything to help her and how hurt and sad and frustrated I was when I couldn’t turn things around.

When a loved one has a severe mental illness, it isn’t black and white, and there isn’t one way to think or feel about it. The only thing I can do as a survivor is share my experience so others know they’re not alone.

If you or someone you know needs help, visit our suicide prevention resources page.

If you need support right now, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255, the Trevor Project at 1-866-488-7386 or text “START” to 741-741.

Ally Golden is the author of the new survivor memoir, A Good Soldier. A passionate advocate for those coping with the mental illness or suicide of a loved one, Golden lives in Chicago with her husband and two children.

Follow this journey here.

We want to hear your story. Become a Mighty contributor here.

111
111
0
JOIN THE CONVERSATION

Real People. Real Stories.

7,000
CONTRIBUTORS
150 Million
READERS

We face disability, disease and mental illness together.