The Thoughts That Drain Me When Depression Keeps Me in Bed
It’s Monday morning.
I’m curled up under the duvet in that famous fetal position.. one most of us know all too well. The position we take when we don’t have any fight left in us to face the world. The position we take when we feel the need to retreat into ourselves. When the only thing we crave more than sleep is invisibility.
My godmother knocks on the door and brings my cellphone over to me — she tells me it’s “busy” and asks me if I need anything. Reluctantly I roll over, trying my best to avoid eye contact I respond with a quiet, “No, thank you,” and check my phone.
It’s my work chat.
Some of my colleagues are at a training session and they’re waiting for me to arrive. My manager has yet to inform them that I won’t be there today.
Shame creeps in as I realize while I’m spending my time in bed, everyone else is getting on with their day. But I can’t even bring myself to go downstairs and make conversation with the very people who have gone out of their way to make me feel loved and welcomed. The very people who have never held back on giving generously to me, even when I least deserve it. Why can’t I just go down to breakfast? Why do I have to be like this? Why am I so dysfunctional? Everything feels too much.
Hours pass and I’m still here, my godmother has come in a few times now to offer me food and drink, my answer is still the same. She asks me when I’m planning on getting the train home. I groan at the thought of having to plan or do anything. I lay there silently trying to find the words to tell her the whole journey sounds unbearable to me right now, but I don’t know how to say it. How can she understand that? Why should she? It’s ridiculous.
They offer to drive me home. They ask me if I’m OK.
“No, not really.”
“Are you in pain?” “No.”
“Do you feel sick?” “No.”
“Oh well that’s good then, you’re just a little unhappy?”
I decide to go with that. I see no point in trying to explain myself.
“Don’t you like the trains?”
I have no problem with public transport, that’s the silly thing.
I tell them I guess I’m just feeling anxious. They explain to me the trains are completely safe.
I know that… I’m not even anxious… it just sounded like the right thing to say.. because what’s the point in trying to explain anything to anyone when I can’t understand it all myself.
You see sometimes there is no logical reason behind my behavior.
In fact, a lot of the time I’m totally irrational in my thinking. I know that.
I don’t need anybody to tell me that.
I don’t need anyone to tell me that I’m an adult with responsibilities.
I don’t need anyone to tell me that I’m being too sensitive.
I don’t need anyone to tell me I’m difficult.
I tell myself enough every day.
In fact, these are the thoughts running through my head most of the time.
These are the thoughts that drain me.
The ones that make me feel worthless, unwanted and unlovable.
These are the thoughts that I battle with daily. The ones that I can’t seem to stop because honestly they feel completely out of my control. The thoughts that I try to fight with. The ones I constantly try to replace with better thoughts. I tell myself I’m stronger. I tell myself I’m capable. I tell myself that I’m loved, lovable and that I have a lot to offer. Believing these things is a different matter entirely.
Sometimes I do! Some days I feel like I can conquer anything. On a good day… I feel like I really have my shit together! On a great day, I am confident, fun to be around and actually just funny as hell. I sing. I dance. I work out. I’m sociable.
But those are my good days. And in order to enjoy those days I have to deal with the bad days that come before… and I have to prepare myself for the ones that will inevitably come after.
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Thinkstock photo via ArthurHidden