To the Girl Who Told Her Mom She Thought I Was Suicidal
To the girl who told her mom she thought I was suicidal,
I’ve wrote this a thousand times in my head. But actually writing it out is different. Nothing I write seems to be exactly what I want to say.
So, I guess I’ll start with the most important thing.
I texted you that night and asked if you thought I was important. You knew me and we considered ourselves friends, but we never saw each other outside of school. You were funny, quirky and had your own style. You never let anyone get you down. I wanted to be more like you, but I never knew how to be like you. I never understood how you were able to be so happy, so carefree. I realize now that you probably weren’t as happy or carefree as I believed. But I want to believe you were at least a little happy, even though some kids we went to school with picked on you.
When I asked you if you thought I was important, you told me I was. What I didn’t know is that you ran to your mom crying and told her you thought I was going to hurt myself. You didn’t know I hadn’t planned anything out, but was still considering taking my own life. You acted on your instinct, and did what you thought was right.
Your mom called the landline, and my mom answered. My mom called me into the living room with my dad and told me what the call was about. That’s when I found out what you had done. I felt a surge of emotions. I felt hurt that my trust was betrayed by you telling your mom what I said, and I felt sad that I had let myself get this far.
But mostly, I was angry with myself because I knew the reason my parents were crying in front of me, was me.
I was 14. We were in eighth grade.
You didn’t know I’d spend the next four years seeing a counselor every month to talk about what I was going through. You didn’t know I would find out my depression had a genetic component, and that my mom and maternal grandmother both had it. You didn’t know I would start taking antidepressants junior year of high school.
But you knew I would live. And I did.
You never treated me any differently after that night. I never knew what to say to you after everything happened. We faded apart, and now we haven’t spoken in years.
But now, I’ve graduated from college. I have an apartment, and my boyfriend is moving in with me. I have two cats that I love dearly. I have a future in front of me.
I didn’t know I would end up here. But I know I’m here because of you.
So, thank you. Thank you for everything.
The girl you saved
If you need support right now, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 or text “START” to 741-741.
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Thinkstock photo via Mila_1989.