Breaking Up With My Scale During Eating Disorder Recovery


Editor’s note: If you live with an eating disorder, the following post could be potentially triggering. You can contact the Crisis Text Line by texting “NEDA” to 741-741.

Hey Scale,

I refuse to start this letter with the traditional “dear,” because you are not dear to me any longer. The truth is, regardless of what I thought sometimes, you were never really dear to me. You were like words of approval from an abuser to a victim, because that is what you were — a tool my abuser, my eating disorder, used to manipulate me.

I thought the information you were giving me was not only reassurance I was fine, but a gold star saying I was doing great. You were like the sticker chart my parents used to get me to do chores, except instead of a chore completed it was a pound lost. It is symbolic, really.

You are sneaky, Scale, because you were a tool this disease used to manipulate me. What I know now is the lies you and my eating disorder both fed me could have killed me. Those lies blinded me to the reality I was getting sicker by the day and ever more entangled in the web this monster weaves.

You, Scale, are not a living thing. You have no brain or consciences or soul. You are pieces of metal and plastic, so I find it hard to be mad at you when the truth is I am the one who gave you all the power. But that is over. This is it. I’m taking my power back and I will find other ways of measuring my self-worth. Real ways of measuring the life in each day. Gone are your days of counting in pounds, in bones and in clothing sizes. I see the tricks. I can hear the lies, so your time of controlling my life is done and now we say goodbye.

Now is my time of embracing love, vulnerability and healing.

If you or someone you know is struggling with an eating disorder, you can call the National Eating Disorders Association Helpline at 1-800-931-2237.

We want to hear your story. Become a Mighty contributor here.

Pixabay photo via StillWorksImagery

TOPICS
JOIN THE CONVERSATION

Related to Eating Disorders

couple holding hands

How My Partner and I Got Through an Unexpected Relapse in My Eating Disorder Recovery

Its no secret that eating disorders have the potential to make relationships that much more challenging. Unfortunately, there are even times when they sabotage the relationship completely. Recovery is something I never thought would be part of my life, being that I have struggled with this illness for 12 years. However, recovery is now an [...]
side shot of woman working on laptop in coffee shop

What I Hear When You Say I'm Doing Well in My Eating Disorder Recovery

Editor’s note: If you live with an eating disorder, the following post could be potentially triggering. You can contact the Crisis Text Line by texting “NEDA” to 741-741. I saw my psychiatrist this afternoon, and he said the dreaded words: “You’re doing well.” I felt my heart skip a beat, my chest tightened, my stomach [...]
baby and mom

The Lessons I Want to Teach My Daughter as a Mom in Eating Disorder Recovery

My daughter is not even 2 years old. The things she cares about the most are her favorite kid’s show, “Goldie and Bear,” her Flintstone’s multivitamin and feeding her cat. She is happiest outside, will say hello to absolutely anyone (over and over and over again until she is acknowledged) and has a laugh that [...]
woman walking

The Moment I Realized the Number on the Scale Was Meaningless to Me

In her book, “Life Without Ed,” Jenni Schaefer shares a personification of her eating disorder, whom she aptly names, “Ed.” She compares Ed’s tendencies to those of an abusive ex or someone of the sort. I found it so eye-opening and relatable that I shared it with two school counselors and a psychiatrist. I even [...]