The Love I Have for My Children Is Stronger Than My Bipolar Disorder
I have been so severely depressed that I stayed in bed for days, barely able to move enough to sit up and crawl out of bed, sometimes almost wetting my pants because my brain barely functioned enough to signal for me to move my body to get out of bed to use the bathroom. My personal hygiene skills were gone. It was too much work for me to take a shower, so I would not shower for days because it felt like there were too many steps involved to take a shower. Breathing almost seemed too difficult, but somehow I could at times conjure up enough energy from deep within my soul to move, only when I needed to take care of my young children.
Using every ounce of effort I could find from somewhere deep within myself, I somehow found the strength and determination to move and work enough to be a good mom, doing everything I could for my children. I was severely depressed and full of the pain of anxiety that felt like electrical currents were constantly stabbing me from the top of my head to the tips of my toes, but somehow I pretended in front of my children that I was alive and well, so they would not see that I was sick and felt like I was slowly dying on the inside.
My oldest daughter told me when she was young, she didn’t even realize I was sick, which of course makes me very happy. Unfortunately though, my bipolar became increasingly worse as the years progressed, causing it to become more difficult for me to pretend with each passing year.
When I experience depression, I do not feel sad, I have no emotions. I feel empty inside and all over and can’t feel anything. I believe feeling nothingness and emptiness to the point that I feel dead is worse than feeling deep sadness or anger. I believe feeling anything is better than feeling nothing.
Knowing what it’s like to be alive while feeling like I was dead caused me many times throughout my life to sink in a deep dark black hole there seemed to be no escape from. Because there seemed to be no escape from the pain of nothingness, death surrounded me and overcame my mind. Soon death became all I could think about it. My mind was overcome and flooded with thoughts of suicide.
Somehow though, I was reminded of my children and a little spark rekindled the strong flame of love I have for my children and gave me some hope that came from somewhere deep within my heart and soul, making me realize I must fight to live, survive and thrive. I know I cannot leave my children. I cannot do that. I have to find the inner strength from deep within my soul to survive this torture I am living in and remember and learn how to breathe and live my life again, just for them.
Many people say they are alive because of their children. So deep is the love I have and many other parents have for their children that lives deep within our hearts and souls and will never go away no matter how ill our brains can become.
Even though I have a mental illness, the love I have for my three children never dies and is stronger than anything else. My disordered brain could never stop my love and intense feelings I have for my three children, no matter how sick I became or how dead I felt during my depressions.
I am alive today because of my children. I fought and clawed my way out of the deep dark holes of depression many times to live and survive for my children. My three precious children are my greatest treasures and are always my heart and my every breath of life.
Bipolar disorder is my primary diagnosis and I will always continue fighting the many symptoms and struggles I have living with bipolar disorder, post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and generalized anxiety disorder (GAD) and will try to live the fullest and happiest life I can to the very best of my abilities.
I am a bipolar survivor, but most importantly, I am a loving mom, a loving bipolar mom. My brain does not have to work or function to feel the deep forever love I have for my three children. The love for my three children is much stronger and more powerful and resilient than my struggles with bipolar disorder.
I believe love is not controlled by our brains, but love lives forever within our hearts and souls.
If you or someone you know needs help, visit our suicide prevention resources page.
If you need support right now, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 or text “START” to 741-741.
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Thinkstock photo via ChristinLola.