The Resentment That Builds From Watching Others Do What You Can't
I’ve been thinking a lot today, as my MS seems to have taken a turn again. When your world is spinning out of control and nothing seems to help the spinning go away, you do a lot of thinking when you’re stuck in bed, clutching the sheets, because up is down and you feel like you’re going to “fall down” into the sky. (If you’ve never had that kind of dizzy, you’re lucky, and I promise, it exists.)
I’ve whined and complained about how people see me and treat me in several of my past blogs. How they resent me for not working as much as they do or for not doing as much in general as they do. And I understand and I forgive them all.
Because I, too, resent people for things.
I resent people for being able to work full-time and bring home a regular-sized paycheck. I miss those days, when I was up and around constantly and always working and not worrying about how I was going to pay the bills or buy groceries. I loved having a little extra money for something fun, like a weekend away or, hey, new clothes. My one pair of shoddy dress pants and lack of jeans right now really resents me for not working as much as I used to.
I resent people for being able to go to the gym. Don’t get me wrong, I love seeing the pictures of sweaty people, smiling and rejoicing that they got through their 10,000 burpee goal, or they hit a weight loss or weight-lifting milestone. Props to you, for real, but there will always be a little bit of resentment in me that I have to smile away. I wish it were me.
I resent people for their extravagant vacations. Man, what I wouldn’t do to be in Florida right now or chilling in the Ozarks, enjoying the summer weather. Listening to the waves and smelling the nice, clean mountain air. Yep, I resent you for that, too.
I resent people who work full-time. I don’t think you don’t appreciate it as much as you should. You get sick days, vacation, insurance. I look at my teeth and damn myself for not being able to have dental insurance anymore. So, give yourself another “resentment from Cyndi” tally.
And tonight, while lying in bed when all I wanted to do was get up and do something, I scolded myself for wishing I was anyone besides me for a couple of minutes. Why is it OK for me to resent people, but then I get upset when people do it to me? My argument is I can’t help that I’m the way I am. Believe me, if I could, I would.
At the same time, it’s not your “fault” you’re healthy. It’s not your fault you’re taking advantage of the benefits you have of not being me (or anyone else with prohibitive health issues). And it’s definitely not your fault that you’re living your life to the fullest. Not at all! I’d be more resentful if I had to stare at a perfectly healthy person who has a world of possibilities at their fingertips and they waste it away, lying on the couch and watching television all day.
And I understand why people resent me, too. I understand why you’re mad to see me work barely 30 hours a week when you just finished off a 60-hour week. To see me buying groceries with a LINK card while you pay cash. To find out about all the help I get (and appreciate) while you do it all on your own. I get it and I don’t blame you! Believe me, I’d love to trade you any day.
So, in closing, I need to apologize to all of you because I had resentful feelings. Jealousy, if you will. And you didn’t deserve it. I appreciate all my friends, family and readers and I really don’t want to have pity parties, but my frustration gets the best of me sometimes. So, keep posting all your awesome vacation/workout/getaway pictures all over Facebook so I can live vicariously through you. Please and thank you!
This post originally appeared on Afterthoughts of a Reporter.
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Thinkstock photo via Ryan McVay.