Why I Want Recovery From My Eating Disorder

I have spent the past 30 days writing daily about my vision for freedom and the reasons why I want to recover from an eating disorder. I’ve been a tad higgledy piggledy, but I made it. While I confess not every moment of every post has been cheerful or optimistic, I feel I have a much clearer sense of why I want to recover and what my future holds — which has been a big stumbling block.

In summary:

I want recovery so I can experience peace and serenity in all aspects of my life — not just around food. Because food occupies all my thoughts, I can’t have serenity.

I want recovery so I can be healthy, well, and here for family and friends when they need me.

I want recovery so I can contribute meaningfully — in the workplace, my home and relationships. In every capacity, I want my interactions to be meaningful.

I want recovery so I can live long enough to meet my grandchildren and accomplish things I have yet to even dream of.

I want recovery so I can travel to far flung places, hike the highest hills and lap up luscious vistas.

I want recovery so I can become everything I am destined to be. To dig into my deepest depths to find qualities, skills and interests I never knew I had or wanted.

I want recovery so I can write my story. Your story. Other people’s stories. Real stories. Made up stories. To write about love, lust and loss. To write about tears, tragedy and triumph. To write about passion, people and places.

I want recovery so my future is something to yearn for, not run from.

See those glorious vintage dresses hanging in the tree, with a glorious blue winter sky above them? I love their quirkiness. I love the ancient beauty of the fabrics, the fresh starkness of the bare branches and the hope and warmth a deep blue sky offers. I love that all those things are juxtaposed together. And I hope that is what my future looks like — random bits of gloriousness tossed together to make a beautiful picture.

And now that the 30 days are over? I reserve the right to write whatever I feel like, whenever I feel like it. Maybe that will be tomorrow. Maybe it won’t. Maybe it will be cheerful and recovery focused. Maybe it won’t. I will see what happens. In the meantime, many thanks to all the people who believe in me, for sticking with me, and for the lovely supportive comments I get. You are totally awesome.

If you or someone you know is struggling with an eating disorder, you can call the National Eating Disorders Association Helpline at 1-800-931-2237.

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