What My Future Partner Needs to Know About My Anxiety and Depression
Dear my future partner,
In an effort of full disclosure, I wanted to announce the following to you — to be upfront and honest.
Please don’t confuse this with sadness and nervousness that passes with time. I am unfortunately stuck with this condition for the rest of my life, and with you choosing to be seriously with me, it will be for the rest of yours.
Sometimes (hopefully more often than not) I am the girl you will fall in love with. A fun-loving, bubbly, life-loving girl who has got an incredible amount of love to give you and everyone else who touches my life. This is not a fake me — this version exists — and believe me, she will love you with everything she has.
But you must be made aware of the other version of me; the one who struggles to wake up in the morning, who has anxiety attacks because a crowd is too large or the dog whines too much or there isn’t enough milk. The one who retreats into pits of despair for no apparent reason, who struggles with life’s small tasks like eating or showering or talking. This version of me can be needy, in need of praise, support, love, commitment and patience, but can also want nothing to do with anyone — including you. Some of the time you won’t know which until it’s too late and I’m either crying because you are too close or crying because you are too far away, or sometimes crying due to both if that’s even possible. I can be irrational and have an overactive imagination. It’s times like these where I’m easily offended and nothing you say or do will be right, no matter how hard I try.
I’m aware I haven’t made myself sound like a very appealing person to date in the last paragraph, but I say this to make you aware that this is my life. As hard as it may sound to you, living with this is much harder.
I can promise though that I will try to be the best version of myself for you, but mostly and more importantly for me. I’m still the girl who wants a wonderful life full of love and light and happiness. I will always strive for the feeling of contentment, even if it seems unattainable and hopefully that feeling includes you.
I really hope you are my person. Please understand my being skeptical in the beginning. I’ve been told before that my someone would be there through thick and thin, and I’ve been shattered by the fallout. I’m looking for the love of my life and if you can’t be that person for me, then I would rather say goodbye now.
I write this letter because I need someone who will stick by me through good and bad, and will love me for all of the pieces that make up my chaotic life. I need someone who will try to understand the darkness, but who will provide the light at the end of the tunnel when I struggle to see it so that we can be happy together in mutual understanding and respect. I want a love deeper on all levels. That someone can accept all of the flaws and nastiness that comes with depression and anxiety because they know that, when we are amazing, nothing in the world will be able to stop us from conquering it.
Together is what I want, because together, we are infinite.
With all my love xx
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Thinkstock photo via Tijana87