What I Want the People I Love to Know on My Dark Days With Depression
For me, sometimes I just sob. I sob for hours, I can’t breathe and the pain in my chest feels like it will crush me it’s so overwhelming. Other times, I just fucking hate myself. I hate the way I look, I hate the way I feel, I hate that I have no control over my thoughts and just want to fuck everything up. And then sometimes, I just have no energy or motivation to do anything. I don’t want to go to work, I don’t want to talk or eat or wash. I don’t want to leave the house. It’s not because I’m an “awful person.” I just have no energy at all to do anything that most “normal” people wouldn’t even think twice about. Today it is the latter. Last week was the second. I wanted to destroy every relationship with the people I love because, why the fuck would they love me anyway — or because they don’t love me the way I need them to or because I am in love with them and they don’t love me back in that way. Which of course logically, is absolutely their right and they should never be forced to. But that doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt like hell or not make me feel like it’s my fault. The reason I think it’s my fault is because my brain tells me it is. I sometimes think, who would want to deal with this fucking disorder in my brain that makes me an uncontrollable mess.
Over the last couple of weeks, I have definitely felt myself slipping back into the darkness. I’ve stopped sleeping again, I’ve lost my appetite for real food, I’ve become angry and negative and I’ve lost my excitement and passion for my upcoming trip. I know it will pass. I know I will feel buzzed and excited again, but I know I won’t get there without you, the people I love.
When one or all of these types of episodes hits, it really puts a strain on the people around me. I am fully aware it can be extremely difficult to be around me when I am in a bad place. I really struggle to ask for help and to open up about what I need. Even if it’s just a hug or a night in with you, I automatically assume you will say “no,” because you hate me, because I’m hard work and being negative and angry and sad and tired, etc. It is a vicious cycle. Sometimes you will say, “Pull yourself together Cair” or “ Just don’t think those things.” Which I’m sure in your own way, is an attempt at being helpful, but if it was that fucking easy, I would just flip the switch and not feel it. I do not want to be living with this. No one wants to feel so incredibly full of emotion that they just want to scream and claw out these thoughts and feelings that are drowning me. This is one of the reasons it becomes difficult to open up, because you never really know what kind of reaction someone is going to give you and mostly for me, I hate to feel like a burden.
The main thing I want you know is when I’m going through this — no matter how quiet or angry or mean or unsociable or stinky I get — I love you. Please don’t give up on me. Please know I really am trying my hardest at that moment in time, even if you don’t think I am. Please know deep down inside I appreciate you so much and you are the reason I am still here, still trying to find the happiness in every day. You are the reason I am still fighting this, because you believe in me — even when I don’t believe in myself.
Lastly, I want you to know I am sorry. I am sorry you have to deal with this, but I am so glad I still have you by my side. You mean the world to me and I couldn’t do this without you.
If you need support right now, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 or text “START” to 741-741.
We want to hear your story. Become a Mighty contributor here.
Thinkstock photo via Liga Lauzuma.