How Kesha's New Music Helped Me Heal After My Friend Died by Suicide
Upon hear “Praying” and then “Woman” from Kesha’s new album Rainbow, I did something I rarely do since I have an AppleMusic account — I purchased the pre-release order of her album. I never disliked her music, but I can’t say I was that big of a Kesha fan before this album, so I have no idea what really possessed me to do it (especially because I didn’t really have extra money in the first place). Maybe it was a gut instinct because of how much “Woman” resonated with me. I really have no idea. But, I can honestly say after the full album was released, I had never before been so touched by a whole album as I am Rainbow. Since its release, I have listened to the album in whole on repeat.
I have struggled with borderline personality disorder, major depressive disorder and generalized anxiety disorder, among other things, for years with symptoms starting at different times and diagnosis constantly changing. Then on March 20, 2017, I lost my best friend to suicide. Her name was Evie. It breaks me to know that even upon her passing, she was not given the respect from her parents, family or her school. She was transgender, and I believed died by suicide to escape the horrendous transphobia and emotional abuse she experienced after her attempts to escape the situation did not work. The day before I lost her, I cancelled plans and neglected to reschedule them because I didn’t feel like being sober and she didn’t agree with recreational drug use. I will forever question if I could have stopped her.
Until I heard Kesha’s song “Finding You,” I had struggled daily to accept her passing and my suicidal thoughts and self-harming actions were reaching the point where many workers and friends in my life were suggesting long-term inpatient treatment. I refused and because I had never before made an attempt and was still participating in school and work, they did not have the grounds to have me sectioned. Then I heard her song, and it was a breaking point and a breakthrough for me.
It said everything I had been struggling to find the words to say, it made me believe someone understood and it helped me to trust that even if I wasn’t with Evie today or tomorrow, we would still have forever.
After this life, I’ll find you in the next, When I say “forever,” it’s the goddamn truth
It made me believe I was still allowed to live life and to make the most of it because Evie would be by my side watching over me until it was time for me to find her again. After hearing this song, the rest of the album pulled me to the breakthrough I needed. With Kesha’s help, I was able to finally feel not so alone and finally start falling in love with being alive. I can’t say I don’t miss her anymore because I will forever, just like I don’t know if the wondering, the questioning if I could have saved her and the guilt that I didn’t will ever totally go away. What I do know is that I can live my life and enjoy things again without feeling guilty that I am and she can’t.
I’m not healed yet, and there will always be scars and hurting spots, but I am healing and I am going somewhere with Evie in my heart. I will achieve what I have always dreamed of.
So, Kesha if this ever gets back to you, thank you for being brave enough to share your story. It helping me to heal. I don’t know what you wrote “Finding You” about, but this is what it meant to me.
Evie, this is for you and for everyone who cared about you. This is for everyone who knew you and everyone who never will. This is for all the victims of transphobia, depression and so much more. Evie, even in death you are loved beyond comprehension. I carry your memory in all I do, until we meet again. Forever in memory. I love you.
Follow this journey on Chameleon Butterfly.
If you or someone you know needs help, visit our suicide prevention resources page.
If you need support right now, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255, the Trevor Project at 1-866-488-7386 or text “HOME” to 741-741. Head here for a list of crisis centers around the world.
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Lead photo via Kesha’s Facebook page