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When You Have to Find Reasons to Live Every Morning

Editor’s note: If you experience suicidal thoughts or have lost someone to suicide, the following post could be potentially triggering. You can contact the Crisis Text Line by texting “START” to 741-741.

Every day when I wake up, I have to decide if I’m going to live or die. I think this is a question a lot of people don’t notice they answer, as they always chose to live. They may never have reasons to choose otherwise. But each night, as I escape from the torment of my mind, I know I will have to decide in the morning to stay or to go.

Some days, I have better reasons than other days. On a good day, my reason to live will be to see my niece grow or enjoy the snow of the coming winter. I look forward to the changing of the seasons, the spices of autumn and Halloween. I find things that make me want to stay alive in the long term and see what life has to offer. Sometimes I can afford for these reasons to be off into the future a ways. Other times, on the not so good days, those reasons can’t coax me out of the thoughts. On these days, I search for anything, anything at all that I can find some sort or meager excuse to live for, and I give myself a reprieve; “If you make it to this, then you can reconsider. Once you’ve gotten this, you can see if there are any more reasons.”

Sometimes, I wake and can’t identify a single reason I’d like to stay alive. Everything seems painful, useless, hopeless and lost. On those days, even the smallest excuses to postpone my suicide are sufficient. I want to hug my cat one last time. I’d like do the dishes so my partner doesn’t have to do them. I’d like to style my hair. I want to listen to that one song, just one more time. I want to feel the pressure of putting my wedding ring on. I want that plushie I ordered in the mail to get here. I want to get Italian ice. I want to let the waves of the Atlantic splash upon my feet. I want a cup of tea. I’d like a bite of chocolate.

Every day I try to find reasons, big or small, to put off my suicide. Just one more song. Just one more sunrise. Just one lasts goodbye. Just one more dinner at my favorite café.

And sometimes I worry and wonder what it will be like when I wake up and can find no more reasons. I hope that day never comes. I hope I can always find something worth staying for.

If you or someone you know needs help, visit our suicide prevention resources page.

If you need support right now, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 or text “START” to 741-741.

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Thinkstock photo via vgorbash.