Why You'll Never See Me Cry as Someone With Depression
Over and over again.
That’s what I did for years, but not anymore. You will never see my tears nowadays. At least I will try really hard to never show you that side of me.
I was always really sensitive. I start crying really easily for everything and nothing. It never really bothered me as a kid — I didn’t feel out of place.
I started hating it when I got depressed and anxious. Crying myself to sleep every single night. Crying because of my intrusive thoughts or my feelings. Crying in school whenever I got bullied, or as soon as I couldn’t answer a question. Crying immediately when someone raised their voice at me. Crying when I got an anxiety attack, or as soon as I felt embarrassed.
Everything triggered me into a watery meltdown. I hated it. I didn’t want to shed a single tear for anything. Yet, I couldn’t control it. My tears always betrayed me.
Strangely, looking back at those times, no one seemed to pay that much attention to it. People just assumed I was overly dramatic, or attention-seeking. They would look at me in an annoyed way, make a little comment to their friends or roll their eyes once and move on.
I wish I could have done that, just tell myself to “get it together,” stop and move on… Of course, it wasn’t that easy for me. I was the one who had do deal with it. I couldn’t walk away from myself, no matter how much I wanted to. I had to deal with those stupid tears, the shame, the guilt, the hopelessness, the depression, the anxiety, the hatred towards myself — and everything else that came with them.
Over the years, I learned to oppress my tears, to hide them as best as I could, because crying wasn’t a relief or a normal human reaction or a way to feel alive anymore. It became a burden and the worst case scenario I wanted to avoid at all cost.
That’s why you will never see me cry today. You will never see this part of me, that makes me vulnerable. I won’t let anyone see how fragile I am on the inside. I’m good at lying and pretending that everything is fine, that I’m strong and heartless. No matter how much I’m falling apart, you will never know how deep my fears really are.
The only thing that can make my façade crack are my own tears, but I won’t ever let that happen. I won’t ever show anyone how much I’m hurt, because showing it, will make the pain real. You will never see the mess inside my head, because it’s my weakness, my secret — and exposing it feels like being naked.
I can’t let my guards down because they protect me. This is my coping mechanism and I’m not going to resist it: I will not cry In front of you.
But if I ever break down, just know that I fought really hard not to, that those tears you see falling from my cheeks weren’t supposed to come out, and that I wanted to hide them with all my strength.
Everything inside of me screams to stop and run away, but if I stay and let you in, it’s because I trust you with all my heart.
So please, don’t judge me for crying.
And, please, never make me regret it.
If you need support right now, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 or text “START” to 741-741.
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Unsplash photo via Tengku Razaleigh