What My Mind Sounds Like With Multiple Mental Illnesses

My mind speaks to me and I always answer, but she doesn’t let me rest. Even when I’m in my bed at night and I’m terribly tired.

So I say: “It is OK that the bedroom is messed up when you get up.”

Then she says: “No, it’s not, it’s horrible.”

And the conversation continues.

“It is OK that your handwriting is not perfect.”

“No, it’s not, you need to have it perfect.”

“It is OK if you don’t have the furniture all at the same color.”

“No, it isn’t, it gives you anxiety and you need to change it.”

“Leave me alone! Why are you pissing me off with all of this? I’m tired of being anxious because of you damn thoughts!”

“Shut up. You need to get things done and all clean, this isn’t a good environment for you to live in!” (When in reality I clean everything more than once a week.)

My mind speaks to me and I always answer, but she doesn’t let me rest. Even when I’m at a party and I want to enjoy food.

Then I say: “It is OK if I eat a slice of this cake.”

The she answers: “It is not! You’ll get fat!”

“No, I’m not going to get fat if I eat a slice of cake!”

“Yes, you are. There are a lot of calories! Are you crazy? You’ll have to exercise!”

And then someone comes and says, “Hey, what do you want to eat? Are you hungry? We have a lot to eat here!”

“No, you’re not going to say anything, just say you’re not hungry and thank them.”

And that’s what I do.

I haven’t been diagnosed with obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD) or an eating disorder, but that’s what my mind sounds like. I have been diagnosed with anxiety, and all these thoughts and feelings of perfection don’t let me rest.

I skip classes, I skip nights with friends, I don’t want to get out of bed, I want to just sleep. All of this is linked with my depression episodes because of my bipolar disorder.

My OCD and eating disorder symptoms ruin my days, my depression and my bipolar ruin my mood, my relationships, my student life, everything.

And this is just a glimpse of how I feel every day.

If you or someone you know is struggling with an eating disorder, you can call the National Eating Disorders Association Helpline at 1-800-931-2237.

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