I Don't Want to Hide My Suicidal Thoughts Anymore


Editor’s note: If you experience suicidal thoughts or have lost someone to suicide, the following post could be potentially triggering. You can contact the Crisis Text Line by texting “START” to 741-741.

I’m sat in a room full of people I love. I know they all love me, but I’m thinking about how simple it would be to take my wheelchair across the road and wheel out in front of a train.

Before you call the nearest mental health critical response unit and have me sectioned for my own safety, let me explain. These thoughts are regular. They often pass within seconds and they have very little to do with a desire to actually die. Particularly on good days like today.

After five suicide attempts and two planned suicide attempts I never followed through on, my brain is a little different than that of a neurotypical person. My attempts started at age 9 and my last planned suicide attempt which I didn’t follow through on was 3, and a few years ago when I was 31. So these thoughts are part of my daily life.

I don’t intend to ever follow through on them. On my bad days the monster that comes as part of my complex mental health battle with C-PTSD, anxiety and depression, tries to make me believe that I do, but I have measures in place now I mostly remember to follow through on.

I have a tattoo reminding me of the person who has literally changed everything, helped me to stop my self-destructive behaviors and helped me find a me I mostly can fall in love with (in a non-narcissistic way). Her nickname for me is a proud reminder not to scratch or cut and it sits in a place that was often destroyed by scratching. I call her my Angel.

I tell my sister at the end of each day about the thoughts I’ve had. I let her know if I’ve seen ways I could end my life. How serious I was about it at the time, and if I can identify what triggered it. Sometimes I can’t. And that’s OK. I’ve learned by talking about it, I can process my thought levels in conjunction with my mood at the time. It’s a useful tool.

Perhaps the hardest thing about all of this, though, is knowing that most people will never understand. My friends and most of my family would panic at the knowledge I have these thoughts daily, so I don’t mention it. In fact until today, the only people I’ve told are my sister, my Angel and my friend, Buck. But I don’t want to hide this.

There is nothing shameful in these thought processes. And I know I’m not alone. Each time I let one of these thoughts just pass on by, I’ve achieved something huge. I’ve confirmed my desire to keep on living.

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If you or someone you know needs help, visit our suicide prevention resources page.

If you need support right now, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255, the Trevor Project at 1-866-488-7386 or reach the Crisis Text Line by texting “START” to 741-741.

Thinkstock photo via Natalia-flurno


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