When You're Constantly Afraid Anxiety Will Push Away 'Your Person'
For five months, I’ve been back in therapy because I couldn’t take it any longer. I thought I might take a step too far, to a place where there’s no way back.
Since then, I experience great days again. On the other hand, extreme breakdowns have became part of my life. When you experience pretty awesome days, you laugh and you just enjoy being alive, but the breakdowns hit you that much harder. The thought of not wanting this life any more is crossing my mind more often again. As soon as I feel great, anxiety follows.
I keep avoiding people. On one hand, I do it because of my social anxiety, and on the other hand, I feel OK when I am alone. It’s harder to make mistakes when you avoid saying anything to anyone. Staying away from socializing is a way of protecting myself. But then again, who wants to be alone?
All I wanted was to have someone by my side, who cares about me, knows about my daily struggle and still wants to be with me.
Funnily enough, I found that person. Even though I am scared of socializing and speaking to people, I tried to go on dates. I really wanted to find this special person, who can change everything. And there he was…
From day one, I’ve told him everything. Not all at once, but every day I managed to open up more and more. I guess he almost knows everything I’ve been through and what causes my mental illness today. Besides being compulsive with almost everything I do, I struggle with social anxiety, depression and bulimia. He knows all of it and still stays. He cares so much and doesn’t make a secret out of it. He asks on a daily basis, at least three times, how I am doing and whether I am alright.
I love that he shows how much he cares, but at the same time I feel guilty, like he cares so much. He tries to comfort me all the time and wants to make me feel good. I feel guilty when I notice how much effort he puts in to making sure I’m OK. He is so attentive, and sees immediately when I’m struggling with my anxieties. He stays by my side when I am lost and calls me when he knows I am not well. He’s a godsend, and everything I could have asked for.
Now, there is one thing though. Having all of this, even if it’s what I wanted, makes me scared. My voice in my head keeps telling me I will lose this great person because I am not worthy to be loved like this. My depression and anxiety will push him away at one point, and I won’t blame him for not being able to stay. Every tight hug he gives me feels like a farewell. I want to keep hugging this man for the rest of my life, but my anxiety is standing in the way. I often simply shut down and don’t talk to him. My voice tells me he won’t understand what’s going on with me and he will stop caring about it anyway.
I know, I have to keep fighting this voice and keep facing my anxieties to get the life I really want. Part of me says I will. I hope one day this part of me will make the voice in my head be quiet — forever.
If you need support right now, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255, the Trevor Project at 1-866-488-7386 or reach the Crisis Text Line by texting “START” to 741-741.
We want to hear your story. Become a Mighty contributor here.
Getty photo via diignat