When Depression Constantly Calls You a ‘Freak’
Editor’s note: If you struggle with self-harm or experience suicidal thoughts, the following post could be potentially triggering. You can contact the Crisis Text Line by texting “START” to 741741. For a list of ways to cope with self-harm urges, click here.
“I am a freak.”
I hear that phrase pop into my mind at least once a day. The phrase has a powerful punch. No one has ever used this phrase to describe me, but yet I believe it is true. My mind goes on a constant roller coaster of what is wrong with me.
My mind tells me that I don’t belong in Honors English. Even though I have worked so hard to get into the class, I still feel like I don’t belong. I tell myself I stick out like a sore thumb. I seem to think I will never be able to reach the intellectual levels of my classmates.
My mind tells me I talk too much and to just keep my mouth shut. It tells me that when I talk, all I do is annoy people.
My mind asks me why I even try to make friends when they will eventually leave — especially when they find out the true me.
The me who purposely caused harm to herself in the past.
The me who feels suffocated by her sheets every morning.
The me who takes seven different medications just to feel “semi-normal.”
The me who cries herself to sleep every night.
The me who has a constant cloud of darkness over her head.
The me who fakes a smile every day so no one knows the constant stabbing pain in my heart, the pain that takes over my mind.
The me who is haunted by the past.
The me who few know.
The me who is ashamed of herself.
The me who struggles with severe depression.
The me who has been to a psychiatric ward six times in a matter of three years. Why would any rational person want to be around someone like that? And to those who stay for some strange reason, I feel as if I am a burden to them. No wonder I am no one’s first pick. I will always be people’s last pick. Why do I even try anymore? I will never be pretty or likable. I am always worrying about what others are thinking. All these thoughts run through my head. My mind shouts:
“I am a freak!”
But then my mind calms down and I remind myself of my mistakes.
I remind myself that I was made the way I am for a reason.
I remind myself that I am not the only one who feels this way.
And to those who define their self-worth based on others.
To those whose hands shake because they are afraid of saying the wrong thing.
To those who live in fear of other people’s thoughts about them.
To those who will never think they are pretty or handsome.
To those who can never seem to keep or make new friends.
To those who put on a happy face every day to mislead people and have forgotten what real happiness feels like.
To those who will never think they are smart enough.
To those who feel as if they are a burden.
To those who have scars on their hearts and bodies that just seem to never go away.
To those haunted by their past.
To those who are afraid that they talk too much.
To those who struggle through the unimaginable in silence because they are afraid that they will be seen as “crazy.”
To those who will never understand their self-worth.
To those like me…
… Just know you are perfect the way you are.
Just know that comparing yourself to others is not fair to yourself.
Just know that you don’t need a million friends and those who decide to stay through it all are the only ones who matter.
Just know that you are your own kind of beautiful. Just know that you are even smarter than you give yourself credit.
Just know that you don’t have to struggle alone.
Just know that being “normal” does not exist. It is something unachievable.
Just know that those scars on your heart and body do not define you.
Just know you are not alone and I wouldn’t want you to be anyone but your extraordinary, perfect self.
If you struggle with self-harm and you need support right now, call the crisis hotline at 1-800-273-8255 or text “START” to 741741. For a list of ways to cope with self-harm urges, click here.
We want to hear your story. Become a Mighty contributor here.
Getty Images photo via MarinaZg