Will You Still Love Me When I'm Not Suicidal Anymore?
Editor’s note: If you experience suicidal thoughts or have lost someone to suicide, the following post could be potentially triggering. You can contact the Crisis Text Line by texting “START” to 741-741.
Lately, I have been going through some very difficult realizations and tough emotions. I feel bad about myself. I feel discouraged about this world I live in. I feel mad that I could be taken advantage of. Mad at myself that I was so weak. I feel guilty for allowing myself to be in situations that didn’t end well for me. It must have been my fault. I want to punish myself, to hurt myself. Thoughts of not being worth anything run through my mind.
Talk of suicide is all around me — how people get to that place, ways to help when people have those thoughts and are going to take action, the feeling of it. My past is full of times when I have gotten to that place myself, when people tried to help me, when I had those thoughts and was taking actions. I have had the feeling of it. The feeling of it — suicidal thoughts — is back with force.
Suicide, that feeling that brings short-lived comfort for escape from pain and memories of past and current suffering. There it sits in my mind. Though I have made a promise not to take it to the end, I still don’t know how close I could let myself get to that point.
I feel the fear of myself. I decide it is worth reaching out for help. I have been through this before. I know my mind will spiral. I know that it can be too difficult for me to get myself back up. So, I reach out. I ask for help from those I believe might care.
You do care. You talk with me. You take time out of your schedule to meet with me. You draw my feelings and false beliefs out and show me the truth. You listen. You help. You make me feel loved and cared for in the midst of my doubts and fears, and in the midst of me wanting to harm myself now and forever.
I thank you for your love and care. As these days are going by, I can see my mind clearing up a little. I think about what you have shared with me and about how you have cared. I feel the warmth of your care and concern wrapped around me like a blanket, and I just want that feeling to go on. I want to rest in it.
And now I start feeling not so down. I don’t want to hurt myself today. Thoughts of death are not as constant in my head. I can see a little clearer. Am I sick? Am I getting well? Because I can go through my day without a constant fog, does that mean I don’t need anyone anymore? Is it still OK for me to call those who are helping me? Is it still OK to need to talk? Is it still OK to ask questions? Did you only help because you were afraid? Am I too well for you to still care?
Will you still love me when I am well? Will you still care when thoughts of suicide are gone? Will I be worth the care you have given me?
If you or someone you know needs help, visit our suicide prevention resources page.
If you need support right now, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 or text “START” to 741-741.
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Unsplash photo via Bruce Dixon