To My Boyfriend Who Faces Anorexia With Me
This was never your fight to take on, but you took it willingly.
Anorexia makes me someone I don’t know. I can snap at you when you ask me to eat, but still you stand by me. And when I push you away, you refuse to go. Sometimes you get caught in the argument between me and anorexia, and the argument becomes between me and you. But you do your best to understand and you’re patient while reasoning with anorexia to try to find me underneath.
My mealtime battles became yours too and you hold me while I cry, faced with a plate of food I have to tackle. You supervise each and every bite, encouraging and pushing me towards health and happiness.
You focus on the long-term, reminding me that even though it’s hard now, I will thank myself in the future. Every time I cry over my weight, you remind me that is the goal of this, and every time I feel like I’m trapped, you explain why I am not.
You never let me stop fighting. When I feel weak and want to give up, you continue to believe. You wait while I can’t decide what chocolate to buy in the supermarket, and pick up (then put down) every single one. You’re patient when we go food shopping and I can barely bring myself to put food into the trolley, reminding me that all I have to do is pick it up and put it in and I am capable of that.
But you are strong, you are stronger than anorexia and you don’t let it win. As patient and kind as you are, you don’t let me get away with restriction or not buying the right food. You keep a copy of my meal plan to make sure I stick to it — you truly invest yourself and your time into helping me get better.
You never judge me when I cry over drinking a glass of water or when I relapse again and put myself back at square one. You take it all in your stride, continuing to fight in a battle that isn’t yours. A victim of an illness you never asked for, yet to continue to believe I didn’t ask for it either and that I can change.
But most of all, you love me when I feel truly unlovable. You tell me I am good enough every day. You bring a smile to my face and fill days which are filled with so much sadness with memories and laughter too. You didn’t let me become consumed and I will be forever grateful for you.
Getty Images photo via Max5799