What It Feels Like to Lose Your 'Favorite Person' When You Live With Borderline Personality Disorder
Most of us have best friends. People we can turn to when time gets tough and you feel like you can’t get through.
My boyfriend is my favorite person. He’s my person. He’s the one I turn to, the one I call, the one I want. He’s my home. But nine days ago, he was no longer my boyfriend. But he is still my best friend. I still love him. He’s still my person.
We have had our problems, and we were fighting through it. Together. We were trying until he decided he didn’t want to try anymore. He’s blocked me and he’s trying to move on and all I can think is: I love you and you’re my person.
So what is it like to lose your favorite person?
It’s the worst thing ever.
It’s losing the ability to breathe. I can’t breathe. I feel like I am getting the life squeezed out of me and it won’t let go, and I’m getting squeezed from all sides. I miss him so much. He’s my home. I just want to go home.
It’s being forced to unlearn things and get used to things I never thought I would have to get used to. Speaking on the phone every night. Looking forward to seeing you on Wednesdays and on the weekends. Sending you good night texts, telling you all the things I love about you, telling you how much I miss you, how much you mean to me. It’s waking up to a message from you, you telling me you love me, sending me kisses and telling me you can’t wait to see me and touch me and squeeze me and kiss me.
It’s not being able to eat. Because every food is something I want to eat with you. I want to share all these things with you. It’s not being able to keep food down. It’s not being able to see food without having it be a memory with you. It’s not being able to see food without thinking of you.
We had plans. We spent all winter looking forward to the warmth of summer and you promised you had plans and dates and ideas. Parks and picnics and going to the beach. Hiking and nighttime strolls and long drives. Staying up all night, having BBQs, climbing, singing, so many things. We had plans. We had so many plans and I was looking forward to so many of them. I’m still looking forward to them because I’m hoping and praying and begging that we will still be able to do them together because it’s all I live for.
It’s not being able to go to a grocery store because you are everywhere. It’s the coconut water and the plantain chips. It’s the chicken breasts and carrots and hummus. It’s the lactose-free milk and the frozen fruit. It’s the soap you use, and the shampoo you got, just for me, because it’s the one I like to use. It’s the packaging with the cute animals, the ones you say remind you of me. It’s the soup I make for you when you’re sick and the tea that I drink; it’s the junk food I want but you wanting to be healthy; it’s the avocados to make the guacamole you make for me; it’s the baby food because you’re my baby.
It’s not just so many things. It’s all the things. It’s everything and it’s everywhere. Losing your favorite person is losing your home. It’s losing everything you thought you knew. It’s losing all your future plans, all your lists, all you once found comfort it. It’s scary and it’s hard and it hurts and it’s awful and I don’t want it.
It’s been eight days since you told me you wanted to separate. It’s been five days now, since I got to speak to you. Since you blocked me off everything, since you stopped talking to me. It’s been five days since you told me you love me. It’s been five days since you broke our promise; you promise that you would love me forever and I need to believe that. I believe you. The only thing keeping me going is the hope, that tiny glimmer of hope, that we are going to be OK and I can come home to you.
You’re my favorite person. You’re my person. All I ask is you try to love me, even when you hate me. That you don’t forget the good, because the good was the best. And I lived for those days. And even though I don’t want to live, I am trying to, on the small piece of hope that we will have more good days. I promised to love you forever and I intend to keep my promise. You’re my person and I am your person. Forever. You’re my favorite person and I really hope we can try and get back to the place where I can be your favorite person again too.
Getty Images photo via berdsigns