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When You Don’t Know Where Your Bipolar Disorder Ends and You Begin

I’ve written and deleted four beginning paragraphs at this point.

What I want you to know is that I am sad today.

I don’t have a specific reason for this, but today, I am crushingly and inexplicably sad. I feel helpless; I feel like I’m drowning; I feel like nothing I do or ever will do has any point.

The other night, I got into an argument with a friend over what I’m sure was something silly. “This is why no one calls you,” she said. If she reads this, she’ll probably be angry that I included that. But I need to, because I need her and you and everyone else to know how much that hurt me.

I don’t mean to do these things, and more than that, I don’t mean for that to sound like an excuse.

I don’t want to pawn all of my bad behavior off on my bipolar disorder, because sometimes I can just be cold, callous and uncaring, just like anyone else; I’m aware of that.

What I wish everyone understood, however, is how much more difficult it can be to control my emotions with a mental disorder such as bipolar. Sometimes, my filter just goes away, and the things you may think about saying but decide not to say just flow out of my mouth without any thoughts of consequence.

I don’t have adequate coping strategies, but I’m trying.

I don’t have a complete hold on myself all the time, but I’m trying.

I’m trying as hard as I can, all the time.

I’m not asking you to baby me; I’m just asking you to try and understand.

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Getty Images photo via AOosthuizen