To the Ones Who Love Me Even When Depression Makes Me a Bad Friend
Dear friends,
I’m sorry for when depression makes me a bad friend. I’m sorry. I’m sorry for the days I don’t reciprocate your kindness. I’m sorry for the days I’m too consumed in my own depression to ask you about your day. I’m sorry when I give you short answers when you ask about mine. I’m sorry for how much I need you, and how often. I’m sorry that you seem to know what to say to me, but I don’t always seem to know what to say to you. I’m sorry for when I hurt more than I help. I’m sorry when I push you away when all I really need is you to be there. I’m sorry I’m not always the most fun to be around. And I’m sorry if I drag you down with me.
I wish I was better. I wish I was more upbeat more of the time. I wish fewer things made me break down. I wish you never had to get a text from me after 1 a.m. I wish we spent more time together next to each other laughing, instead of crying. I wish I didn’t have panic attacks and leave when your friends are here. I want to stay, and I want to be there. I just can’t always do it, and I’m sorry.
Sometimes I wonder how you put up with me and why you’re even still friends with me. But please know that your friendship means more to me than you could ever possibly begin to understand. Despite all my flaws, you accept me. And I love hanging out with you. It’s not often that it feels like my depression isn’t crushing me, but you somehow make the weight feel a little lighter. And the days I’m actually happy, I love being able to spend with you. I’m sorry those days aren’t more frequent, especially lately, but please know I love being around you and even if I’m not always the best company, thank you for being there. I love you.
Unsplash photo via Ariel Lustre
Through multiple suicide attempts, living with depression, PTSD, and anxiety for over 10 years now, and having struggled with anorexia and bulimia-- I have a much closer relationship with mental illness than I'd like. But I believe in community and that we need each other. I believe in hope and that better days are ahead. I believe in the kindness of people. And I believe continuing to show up (for yourself and others) when everything is pointing the opposite way, is one of the bravest things a person can do.
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